You came here to relax this weekend, and you arrived late. You are already nervous about the race, and the gear, and the weather.  You shake up a few bottles with some powdered crap, because that seems like a solid idea, and you peel off your toasty jacket in the blowing wet snow to put on something like a tutu, to dance about in the swirling white with eighty of your favorite strangers. Now, is when you realize that you may have brought a knife to a gun-fight.  You quickly lob ideas about the hollows of your skull; bandying a ball of bad advice, but basically you have one ball echoing in this squash court,  and hence you have one idea.  This always happens with you, because you can't see that there may be other outcomes, and alternative strategies. As the frenzy of pong sounds subside, you resolve to just ride the race with these dudes regardless of what may come.

You have a bike with 2" tires which you thought were large..., and they all brought Fat bikes with more than 4" humongous tires.  The automotive equal to your Civic in a sea of Monster-Trucks.  But of course it did not dawn upon you the moment you drove up. What began at the parking lot?.. Each and every vehicle entering the mushy farmland parking pad was 3 ft higher than your city SUV. Everyone (else) boasted bumper stickers with jargon you don't yet know, and everyone but you brought bikes which looked like they could pull your truck out of a snowbank.  

You tell yourself that you may have the advantage... a dramatic pause as the wind whips up................ You unroll the first presta-valve and begin hissing out some city air into the silent blanket of country white noise. You anxiously jettison pressure from your measly tires in hopes you'll dig into the mush. It will be an ordeal.  
You reclaim your mind from it's gloomy segue toward doom scenarios, and recover with the novel idea that you do in fact have an advantage.  That your drop bar gravel thing is sleeker and faster, and you will hold your own. But when the gun goes off, and you roll out to the first left, you begin rapidly to disprove your theory.  How can it be that  this is better than Netflix? Mud sprays Michigan sand & clay silt all over your face. Glasses coated, and hard upon the next riders sloshing knobbies, the mist rolls up from the business end of his Monster-Truck. You shift, drop a hand to signal, and mash the pedals to arrive in the front of this mangy wet peloton.  Without any warm-up, you struggle to align your breathing with the thrum of the rapidly rising beat in your chest.  You are now doing some of the spraying, but you are already losing your mojo.  Hands are still warm, but wetter each time you raise one to swipe mud from your glasses.  You dig in and grind away at the chatter, of humming treads and clacking chains. A drone of a thousand buzzing truck tires sound like the devil pulling down his zipper.  You know what may come next and you choose to drop two lengths, tuck in and grab a tow, even if it means sucking in more muddy spray.  The river-like road we ride atop is like the chocolate brown of a mountain stream after the monsoon. The Muck of an Indian village; The spray of a drunk at a Music fest after the downpour.  Your mud sprays your neighbors, and theirs the next trailing rider...  all coated and building upon your lenses, nobody seems to mind.  You are enveloped in the mid pack now, and several comrades have the novel idea to press on the gas-pedal a bit harder, as dominant riders separate the wheat from the chaff.  You bow your head, and keep pace.  You are enwrapped in just the thing you signed up for; A winter gravel sufferfest with  80 other guys who'd rather go outside and feel something real, (if muddy) Than to watch Netflix. Shifters click, clunky Sram cogs index up. Fingers on a trigger rather than a TV remote.  You are all in deep, and you are all pretending to have a blast, but you know that this pace is untenable.  This rapid gain of muddy men will shake loose the spare change, splintering into separate bubbles, some popping and others rising, the elites will get to counting the real money. You are working too hard, rhythm is what you need now, thoughtful parsed breaths, elude you. This momentum which once held you like a seed in a pod won't work for you unless you gather your wits inside that invisible jet. You gasp to tame your heart rate as your lungs throw heat. Respiration, is one of those things we take for granted until the lungs falter. It will all be fine when your lungs and heart find a parity, and stop their resentment. Your legs fall under your spell, but the rest is a shambles.   Two more move up, and then a few more.  Could you even see and feel the slip-stream school past you like a pedestrian crossing a roundabout in Vietnam.  Fish schooling around you like a still coral -- Others slipping past the sharks. Stay the course, breathe! Don't Pant!!!, IN and then OUT go the lungs, and Up and Down you mash the pedals until you gain back a bit of what you've lost, but you are still losing pace to a bunch of Cummins Diesels.  You are a Porsche playing the ploughman, with your own snarky bumper sticker.  You are sucking right now. Every fifth Pot-Hole grabs your wheel trying to pull you down to that prick who's infinite zipper buzzes like satan's private bee-hive. Your legs burn, while your neighbors float atop the mirth, as a combine would.  Its a fast affair, but you calculate the outcome in slo-motion.  Nothing is coming to mind except D.N.F, or is it D.N.C....? you'll have to learn that new lexicon, if you don't pick up the pace. Did Not Finish. you haven't failed an exam since school, and you are sure the F stands for Finish, and that's a good grade right?  You wipe your lenses again, and find a wheel that throws a bit less misty brown in your face... But the wheels are moving up, and you are dropping pace.  Snow builds on the arc of your abdomen, like a charm or token, just sitting there laughing as the next tire approaches.  You have some catching up to do.  You dig in harder paddling class 4 water, each stroke counting for less against a massive eddy who's promised to swirl you away. 
 You think that if you fall back, you will lose the course, and where is the sopping map you shoved into your jersey?  The dreaded gap now forms and you have lost ground. Others have as well, but it's not OK for you?  You need to catch them!!  Get back to the pack and tuck back into your Invisible Jet.  Breathing is restoring, and the trill of your heart finally nuances back from a shrill crescendo.  You are an in-between rider, working far harder, with nobody to share in the work. Now, back in rhythm you begin the long claw back.  The gap does not lessen to the peloton, but you close some ground on a few more worthy stragglers.  You are moving forward by that metric, but catching them does not seem gainful.

It happens.  You know that trigger moment when you consider bagging the whole thing and tossing it out the window?  yep..., it happens.  The mind moves from solutions to excuses.  You feel defeated wasting energy upon your reason, countering the logical backdrop of doing the hard work.

Nah... you mush your sled onward, and close some more ground using the buzz-saw of the riders you pass in your doppler to calculate that you're catching up.  Soon you don't hear them, their buzzing monster tires fade and now a train horn, deep and strong to your right.  The tracks berm obscuring the riders ahead. Are you closing the gap? They must be just beyond the tracks. You hear the thunderous Train Horn belch again, mocking you. If only you could chug into that "I think I can - I Think I can" shush please God let's make it to the tracks in time to not be cut-off.  Again indomitable will-power seems to begin warming  the wet snow on your lap. The talisman on your lap who mocked you, who said you won't make it, finally melting.  You will be cut off behind a 10 minute long freight Train, and then what will your excuse be?

Ah... yes! the Train. We stragglers can all gather behind the gate and blame the train. D.N.F....
The horns come again and no-one approaches from behind. The sky is thick like milk with clumpy wet flakes swirling by.  You approach the tracks and feel the air and wind inhale as if the Train were upon you, but you don't see it's headlight through the pale snowy curtains.  You imagine the Bahamas, somewhere in the Exumas, and you imagine that clear warm water like a lens refracting glowing sunlight glittering now as you reach gently  for a starfish resting just below the shimmer.  You want that same tranquility, as you gulp air, to hold your breath and hop over the tracks as the Train thunders into view, pushing it's wet blanket forward revealing a golden bright lamp shining like the tropical sun.  You've cleared the tracks just in time. There they are!, as you resume breathing and the hard work to catch your comrades.

You see them in the distance, once obscured by the mound supporting the train, the final group is turning left, but not onto a road.  You are all moving onto a fire-road.  You grind away, and re-regulate your air.  You need calories, or Potassium, or a Beer, shit anything! may help. Perhaps a stretcher at the last mile, to carry you across.  You turn onto a blanket of white with two deep ruts from someones tractor or monster truck.  One hundred and twelve fat tires crunching it into sloppy grey slush. A new sound breaks the cacophony, The thunking crunch as riders fall sideways onto the packy snow.  One and then another heavy thunk! like a trash bag thrown into a snow-bank -- With it, one less rolling mashing monster-truck.  
​You slip left and right as your pedals knick the sides of the ruts occasionally hitting ice, and knocking you off-balance, you rise up from the seat leaning more weight forward to keep steerage.  You grind.  It's tough.  A few lonesome others run beside their bikes like a Cross Course through a mud pit, pushing monster trucks beside them  like a tractor pull.  You wince watching another topple over.  Gaining on the runners dabbing a toe here and there. Riding a line on a tight-rope, you gain.

It's a quick left off the trail and back onto the gravel road, catching the group you spy a comfortable space to shoe-horn your bike into that tight wet mid-pack.  Wet wool and musty Axe-Effect fill your burning nostrils, Salt and silt wash across your wet diapers.  Passing the lake covered with fresh snow, you all note the new headwind and so everyone tucks in.  Down shifts crackle into the uphill climb out of the lake valley to a filthy finish.

Cheers!, you did Finish so today you got an F ​ Instead of the Dreaded D.N.F.  No TV shows, No cameras, No Fictional awards ceremony,  Restless exhilarated breath, blood flowing over every wiry muscle like rusty cables contracting and pulling you tighter. Fondue is in your future. The Cabin has no TV.  The snow continues to fall large as leaves. 

Not bad for an old man.  


​

 

Most honest people would agree that when you live in the city and it's winter, you get to jonesing about being someplace else. When you have the gear staring at you, somehow (unlike a treadmill) you really want to get on it. Of course the itch gets more scratch-worthy when you've not seen the sun in weeks, and precipitation in solid form precludes a good romp outside. Me I like to take trips and sometimes, just the planning can keep you alive.  I have often told younger friends, that the looking forward and the planning, can be every bit as therapeutic as the adventure -- And of course they think I'm nuts.  I tell them to think of stasis like being incarcerated; You shouldn't -- But you generally do begin at some point to count down rather than up, even as the days mire you like a marshmallow in a Jello-mold. 
The elixir for the common doldrum is to make plans Larger plans bring greater relief from the winter treadmill. As you step-off the endless walk-way, and gather your thoughts, Where do you see yourself headed?
Me I want to ride, then paddle a bit, camp some, and then ride some more, and then sleep a bit and eat a ton. I'm not sure what is more exhausting, sitting around waiting for the ice to melt on the lake, or an epic journey, But I can say that the wanderlust when it hits looks far more invigorating than my couch.  I have a few bikes, and when I think of them like selecting people to be on my dodgeball team, I wonder which ones may resent me for not being picked. I have a pack-raft the size of a loaf of bread, and a paddle which may fit in an iPad case, so it's no surprise that any of my bikes could drag my gear to the nearest river for a bit of rowing about. It's mildly pornographic how many times in January I've read blogs about packing trips, and bad-ass adventures. I lay on my pillow some nights hoping to drift away to dream about a piney camp-fire, a shot of espresso, and the piquant smell of Deep Woods Off. Oh please take me elsewhere.

I'm thinking of the National forest but can't settle upon which one, and so I dive into route planning with an open mind, and heart. Of course JT sounds exciting when all we've seen is pissing sleet and grey snow, but I'm thinking of a place with a bit of water, and paddling. 

I'll begin with a place, then move to gather the gear, and then inevitably pile a ton of shit on the rug before me to begin the process of parsing out what is not essential.  Right about now, I have a visual list in my noggin of some key items, Bag, Tent, Pad, Axe, Tools and Tubes... The list goes on, and you know in every trip, every place, I seem to find the surplus at the end, that I didn't need to bring.  In each Voyage across the sea, and every summit, in every weekender, or day-trip, I am carrying something that I don't need, won't use, and regret dragging around.  I know I need to lighten up, and so while some people preach their New Year's resolve to lose weight, fast, quit their job, or learn guitar -- I've resolved to find the items I didn't use, and abandon them.  Really.
If you are at all human you will see the utility of the Phrase, "It's better to have it and not use it, than not have it and need it".  Everyone can isolate the wisdom in that Jargon, but I would also prefer to not have it if I've never used it.  To carry things all over 'Kingdom-come' and return to say, "Oh, hey! there is that thing..." is a fixation which we could all use a bit of help with.  

Of course, If you could distill down all of your necessary gear to the essentials the first go-around, then you'd be sovereign of the outdoors.  "Why an Axe", you may ask? "What do you really need to bring that with for?"
Well, you make your list and I'll make mine, and I won't plead with you for what to pack, as long as nobody asks the other to carry some of their shit, and nobody starves.  OK?
So, Plan your own trip with the bare essentials, albeit not so bare that you are ill-prepared -- And if you need to set upon that pile some Gummies, or some Single Origin Coffee, I won't fault you. Just don't ask me to carry your crap whilst we roam.

While we suspend our disbelief, we don't feel Alex Honnold suffering, mentally nor physically, just the sheer magic of his accomplishment. If I never see "Free Solo" a second time, I will nevertheless find it impossible to extricate its' impact from my world view. But unlike some lessor important unnerving events, which one cannot "Un-see" -- "Free Solo" remains branded in my mind as a One-man Moon-landing. Perhaps more than the deepest free-dive, or landing a Jet in the Potomac, this film changed a cultural category, and shook the foundation of Sporting and the outdoors.
​It remains an open question whether we will save the National Forests from the pillage of Land Barons, and Oil Companies. But, if a bright side could be gleaned, perhaps children (dragged to see "Free Solo" with their nannies) will so revere the grandeur of El Cap, that a few of them will work to save our Natural Landmarks from becoming golf courses and strip mines.

Which brings me back to "The Dark Side of the Moon", (A Piece for Assorted Lunatic's), There is a place in this world where reverence for such things could either seem strangely obsessive or duly deserved depending upon who tells you about them. I want to live in a world where a Stoner, and a Senator can debate "The Dark Side" with similar admiration, and also to discuss mental Illness with the same sincerity. That may not happen for a while, but I think it's poignant to cue the record and give a go at understanding just how much this Album has moved our musical culture forward. Partly a Catharsis to work through Syd Barrett's "madness issues" , and equally an astronomy-themed realignment of the band's celestial direction -- "Dark Side" was born to audiences in Late January 1972 at the Dome in Brighton, Four Years from the debut of "2001 A Space Odyssey".
It has been said to reticent teens, that just because they don't yet listen to Pink Floyd, Bowie, or Dylan is no reason to believe that they will not. There seems to be an inescapable tractor beam for Musical influence, which will soon draw the uninitiated toward these classics. Be it a begrudging hour listening to their "Parent's Crap", in the car, or through a drug-fueled month-long bender of vintage vinyl, most teens eventually touch the 'proverbial stone' before they have their first real job. If we could prescribe Three Films, Three Albums, and Three Inventions for everyone, to spark a sea-change in their world view -- What would they be? I know of Two for sure.
​
Just as Dark Side, or Ziggy Stardust may have been born from Kubrick and Clarke, we are perhaps richer for both. Kubrick brought us directly up to the awkwardly uncomfortable question of "What's out there", and exposed our egos to the dark insecure gravity of our meager id, against the pitch black curtain of the singularity. Alex Honnold, similarly grappling with proportional scale in his epic ascent of a titanic monolith, placed himself second to the task to overcome the odds. As Pink Floyd resolved to find a new direction without their Founder Syd Barrett, their departure to the edge of the universe and back born upon mental illness, fueled by inventiveness, brings us a brilliant score which expands the soundtrack of our lives.
​
What remains, is to weigh what changes in the wake of Alex Honnold's Moon Landing.

First of all -- There is no such thing as "Turkey Pepperoni". There is also no such thing as "Cauliflower Crust", and there is no reason to make believe that either of these things exist -- Because they do not!! Oh sure, you have seen them printed on boxes in the freezer case, but they are no more real than a Bunny with a basket full of free-range eggs.  If it's Turkey, then it's not a Hot Dog, and it's decidedly not a Sausage... It's not even better for you, so get over your smug bias.  Fake meat and new combinations of ground stuff to create a kinder gentler Burger, is a false prophet.  Beware your false god!!  The combination of bizarre ingredients to make fake versions of known staples, mixed with some Vegan Cheese will not make "Pizza" --  For it is God's will that Pizza is "this" and substantially not "that"... Pizza may rumble your stomach with bad gluten, Spike your Lactase, and make your fingers swell with sodium but it is made just that way, and any sufficient deviation from what it is at it's core, would not result in "Pizza". Tofurky is no more Turkey, than Champagne from Spain. Call it Cava or Brut, but sparkling wine is not Champagne. ...And a Chrysler is no more a Porsche, than a Peloton is a Bike.

 If it's constituents deviate so far from the original that the semblance of what remains is so substantially fraudulent, then 'IT' (the thing) deserves a new name.  So... You may call Cauliflower Crust, "fake crust made from significantly processed vegetable matter, with other binders, with some spices". Likewise, Meat is Meat, and Fake meat is just Fake stuff masquerading as Meat, and not "Meat".  When I dress up as Spider Man, I still fail at the web-spinning, and A kid dressed as Hulk is not a menace. Meat is best described as animals, typically mammals and fish which were once alive, but now are dead, and they require cooking to keep you from getting sick. We can eat meat if we choose, and we can bandy about the topic of synthesizing that same experience, just as we create the idealized version of ourselves online, bearing no resemblance to the "real thing"... But if it is not you out there with a fake meat stick in your mouth, then who is it?

Fake Meat is not dead animals, and should have a new name or category such as Soylent, A Ground and Processed slurry of Goop.  Maybe Goop is a good neutral word for "Fake Meat".

A question comes to mind about fake meats, and the bleeding edge penchant to push rusty iron oxide, and creepy chemistry to a level whereby Goop shapes, Bleeds and Grills just like ground up Animal.  When you have to make it bleed to convince the carnivore to eat it, then perhaps we've gone too far.

I asked  a friend the other day, if Peloton was so popular -- Then, why don't you ever see those people with that silly white peloton window decal on their Range Rover, riding on the street or bike path with a real bike? (psst...!! I'll give you a clue, it's all fake, that's why). Truth be told, the same SUV nearly crushed 5 cyclists this morning on the bike route, and never thought that they may have something in common.  They don't!
Is it not a lil-bit disingenuous for people who would bother to fly a Peloton flag on their Range, to never ever ever ride a bike outside?  I know you will say that you have a Peloton, and that you ride your bike on sunny days mid-May. But because you use the Peloton, in all of it's pretentious glory to stay fit... it doesn't make the meat more real, nor you a cyclist. We know it, and I think that you do as well.
I think that if you were to ride outside half as voraciously as you worship your wattage on an LCD screen,  then you would certainly know not to drift 5000 pounds of steel into the Bike Lane at rush-hour. When you compare your  FTP to some fake douche in Salinas, you are perhaps sharpening your edge, as you dig ever deeper into your own fictional digital chasm. Your online persona (your digital self) is a lie.

Have a big bite of fake cheese pizza and tell yourself that it's healthier. Slice a slab of Tofurky on some quinoa, and seize the health benefits of this epically long ingredients list.  Ride in your basement and tell your friends that you are a cyclist.  Post a 12 year old picture of your digital self on-line and tell the world that you are free, and compelling. The new dialog on-line is to speak in superlatives.  We freely exchange comparisons of ourselves with others who worship the same fake resume'.  If it makes you feel better, then -- By all means... take a bite.

Now enter "Mirror" a wall mounted boot camp instructor, who brokers your health data, and your semi-nude self-worth to anyplace, and with anyone.  You agreed to the terms of use right?  Comparatively when you get on your bike, or take a walk in the snow, you have risks right? Slip and Fall, get Mugged, get hit by a Peloton driver.  In your real life, these are known quantities.  But would you exchange your real self for a better looking version, if you knew that who you really were deep down was to completely disappear in the "Mirror"? When I was a kid and reluctantly dressed for church, or a funeral, I knew that the real me would soon return, when I'd race to change back into my "real clothes" as soon as I could.  In your single serving, beige-Dockers, polished-brass, smart-mattress world, what comfort do you take from the decisions you make? Where are you at in terms of affirmatively knowing yourself?  Are you a die-cast plastic soldier figurine, permanently posed in the drab color of the day?, or are you your own agent?

I try to draw a distinction between wearing what I'm told, and choosing who I am. When I see a brand taking flight, and everyone diving into the big pool of sameness, I try to abstain.  When a friend says, "Hey have you seen that one show on Netflix, or that one current movie", I reflect their enthusiasm, and file it away in a potential "to-do list", but I don't race to share the same bath water. 

Remember Nordic Trak?  this gadget came from the same incubator as the Roller Blade, and soon both ended up under the bed, and then beside the dumpster. What sustains requires a bit more effort.  I have the same bike built for me in 1989, and several have joined the same stable, and I generally wear-out my shoes and clothes. Nothing I own boast a big brand-name, save for some bike kit, I use exclusively for that sport.  I am not a bill-board, and I am not a fashion maven, but I know that some things in clothes and sport sustain, and their relevance spans decades. What is to come of the Peloton, this un-hideable fashion emblem which occupies the spare room? What does one do with it, when the new model is released.  If it were a phone, you could stash it in your top dresser drawer.  But not the Peloton.  How many pair of shoes have Peloton sold? How many people buying the same got them from a bike store?  

Wednesday I asked my local Bike Shop Manager, "How many shoes they sell to Peloton users"?  He said that, "...Most of our shoe sales are for stationary bikes". So, let's pause, and  I'll let that sink in.

I asked him how many stationary bike users may have bought or are contemplating buying a new bike?
He couldn't think of any that came to mind, "Although many...," he said, "Gesture toward some sexy new bike, and say", "I like this one, gripping the handlebar"... maybe in the spring...". Of course you do!, it's expensive, and quite sexy, but we all know this is not for you; and that if you bought one, as with that Hand-bag from TJ Maxx, it would remain at home deflated and dusty, beside it's new shoes. This bike will never kiss the streets, that your SUV rolls down daily. But bike shaming is like any other form of shaming... for those who know the truth, it may take but a glance or a word, to coax the sinking feeling that perhaps that Peloton straddling the dining area is idle far too often.

And soon you would chastize Peloton flag bearers as I do.  The current lunacy to see oneself through the lens of what other people are doing, or pretending to do whilst hiding behind a screen is so deeply entangled with your fake meat that we don't know how deep we've waded out before we begin to struggle  against the tide.  Fake meat and your False Self have one principle analog, and that is, that the real thing is better.

We are all a bit lonely, true -- but the new penchant for fake stuff  and simulated lives will do us all in in the end. Your Peloton will suffer the same fate as the Nordic Trak, only someone will need to help your super fit self carry it to the curb.  Here is another clue -- If it takes two people to move it, then it's not a bike.

It seems that it was only a few weeks ago when Sparse green still blanketed some sunnier spaces, but alas it's chilly now, and February, (the Dark Month) looms large with the lunar new year.  I asked a kid from the clubhouse where he rode this week, and he said, Nah... "I dont bother riding on the street anymore, I just ride my trainer".  Hmm. So That is one of those situations where you either call him a "big-dumb-ass", or you just keep your mouth shut, and drink your espresso.  I didn't want the let-down to discover that what he said was true and like a dystopian drama, everyone was being born a-new from pods which incubate the new VR version of oneself.  That everyone like aliens in Invasion of the Body Snatchers, is a "Sim" and everyone is really just food for a larger more fake organism.   I wanted to have my coffee and cling to the nostalgic ideal of free-range, grass-fed, Cage-free, and cavalier.  Funny when you consider that we demand "free-range" from our Chickens, and eggs, but not from ourselves.  So -- Go ahead and cower in your chrysalis, and enjoy the silence of your own doomed obscurity, and binge on another three seasons of some shit, but done complain when you are eating fake pizza, with fake meat, on your fake bike, reading fake news, and watching fake exercise buddies, push fake wattage, when what you really need is a char-dog and fries after an epic session with some friends.

Yesterday I rode my trainer with Rouvy in VR Mode and a few others came on-screen and quit early.  I thought "Man!!, I'll bet that dude can't hold that pace", and then in a flash they disappeared from my VR rig. I gained 3 miles on someone ahead of me, and 4.6 on someone who came in later behind me, and I finished the session of 6-12 percent grade climbs thinking I'd done quite well.  My metrics for my enthusiasm stemmed from my completing the course that everyone only rode one quarter, and the other feel-good came from my ability to gain several miles on others who seemed to be riding well.  Then, when it all ended, and I'd expected to place well, I was shocked to find that my time on the course was double the "Best Time".  I'm no elite athlete, and even could be considered an old hack, but if someone can finish that climb in half my time, and i've not cut my wrists yet, it's only because I keep telling myself that those other Avatars "Cannot possibly be real". Just as you don't want a porn-star as your mate, you know in your heart that you can't keep pace with the fakes, and shouldn't let it demoralize you.

Today is snowed again, and my urge to ride melted in a mucky mess, or slop and road salt.  I will however ride my trainer, but that guy who holds the "half my time" record for that mountain course, is fake.  They must be..., right?

 Smart people in book reviews always discuss the adventurous souls who leave their "Comfortable Life" to sail the ocean for a decade, as mavericks and such. Read any book cover with an inspirational tone, and you will find the same review repeated, and the same core parable. It never fails that someone will note the "courage" of giving up all sorts of earthly fare and daily comfort to explore far-flung concessions of natural beauty, and epic challenge . "Leaving the comfortable life", is how the memoir will be reviewed, and we don't really need to give you the title of this book, as the review is always the same. We awe and ogle at the uncertain prospect, for which we don't have enough guts or passion to endeavor upon. We are comfortable. We may be inspired to buy a new pair of Boots or some Gore-Tex, but we won't use it that way.  We know however, that the next review will cough up the same claim, sew the same envy, and awe, as we languish in the "The Comfortable Life". They've left this behind for adventure on the:
1. High Seas,
2. The Cascade Mountains,
3. The Finca of a Coastal Coffee Plantation... the list goes on...
So how are we to read that?, is the Comfortable life the thing that they are detaching from? Are they leaving the warm comfort of Carbohydrates, Big-Gulps, Cellophane wrapped single-serving profanities, and Microwave entrees? Is that the one we are talking about? Are we comfortable?, Or are we oversaturated sponges of consumerism, in an advertopian feedback loop? Are we so comfortable? --  Without needing a seventh pair of new running shoes to look the part in that 5k next week? Are we able to run the race without the participatory T'shirt, and the instagram post? Can we just run someplace, ride someplace, and not track the mileage?, the heart rate?, the watts?...

I guess that the Comfortable life we are leaving may also have something to do with having your property taxes doubled to ebb a city budget gap.  The 'comfortable' concussion from falling backward off your bar-stool. Is this the comfort life we are leaving behind? The daily struggle to smile at dickhead coworkers which you despise, and the disgraceful comfort of not having the rent money on time?

I suppose this is the comfortable life, which adventurers leave behind when they pack it up, buy a pick-up, and head down to wherever... Perhaps to LAX en-route to someplace less "knowable". I've read about many so called adventurers and their exploits, gracelessly challenging themselves to ingest along a seemingly less travelled path, grit, gravel, bug-bites, scabs and all. I've also read about Migrants who walk across five countries just to get incarcerated in the U.S. Is it because that's actually a banner reprieve compared to their so called "Comfortable Life"? I am stuck on the not so fine line between the elective escapist, and the compulsory adventurer. Migration is a good word, which we tend to not consider when we speak of migrants.  Anyone leaving someplace, such as college, to move elsewhere... is a migrant.  Immigrants, on the one hand, with or without prospects for a perfect outcome, take a chance upon the endeavor.  Each coin toss yields about the same or worse odds. Leaving one maligned, sordid, and toxic bubble for another. "The Comfort Bubble". A nation of immigrants, if you consider where you live now, and where you've left.

Looking objectively at the concept, those of us snug inside our comfort bubble may imagine that it is a myth. After-all, Santa was a Myth, and so were the parables in that book you worshipped. Your Pension may be a myth, as is "Social Security", Healthcare, and Guilt-free junk-food. We all lie to ourselves in our bubble of confirmation bias, and we all tidy up the ends to make the means seem sensible, but most of us are drifters.
It's true that if you have no other choice, you will be happy with what you've got. That is to say; If you buy a shirt on sale from a store that doesn't allow returns, you are far more likely to love it. Whereas, if you do the same from a place with more options and liberal return policy, you will be less likely to even wear the same... You will also possibly lose sleep over your selection. Was it the right choice? -- What about the other one?... If you are left to ruminate about the two or three other options, you will struggle with whether you made the right choice ad-absurdum. It may be that people's choices are far too vast to live a settled life. Removing some of the 95 flavors of tooth-paste, and 75 bristle combinations, couldn't possible lead to clean teeth, right? Remember when your choices were simple?, and you thought merely about the present?  What pack of candy can I get for 25 cents?

​Your 'Bubble' & your bubble gum hate you, and want you gone!!. You dwell in the most conflicted and deleterious swarm of bullshit choices, and although you've made a few hundred today, you still can't get settled. Isn't it a wonderfully sleepless time to be alive, you spend 6 hours a day glued to a screen, 6 minding politics, 6 eating crap, and the remaining 6 sleeping restlessly.  But you are O.K.
Sure, I think you are a dick-head; but that doesn't mean that everyone will. In fact, someplace you will be admired, but if you follow the dangling (anti-)social media carrot, you know you will never get to eat, you'll starve anyway.  Through this lens, perhaps an impulsive drop-everything escape is not so risky. Except for uncertainty.
Funny that the thing we all fear is the same. Like dating & job searches -- Uncertainty is holding us back. But is it really uncertainty? For certain it is, but only the uncertainty of being told "NO". Fear of dismissal, failure, rejection, seems to be where the uncertainty is focused. If you could know that the job, or the person would unconditionally accept you, then you'd jump.  That's why we have APPs, because they increase our odds many fold. Hours of soul-searching has revealed that I have only one thing that I'm guarding against. One thing that  hours of meditation brings to mind that prevents me from leaving the comfortable life behind for sustained adventure... Coffee.

Now... Put yourself on a sail-boat with only one other human for ten days or ten years, and note how well you get along. Your problem is not your spouse, it's the other choices... All of those other people sticking their asses in your face every day. All of those ice-cream flavors. You know what?... Most people really deep down inside don't give a shit about the crap they eat, and the melange of Pretzels, Nuts, Gummi-Worms, and Preservatives in their favorite quart of dairy-free frozen dessert. They care only about the adventure, and that freezer case represents all of the choices that they won't make anyway. You are in a bubble, and it's a prison. Can't you just pick an ice cream and eat it? You are in the freezer case, and you can't get out until you choose one. Salted Caramel, Mint-chip, Butter Pecan?...

Adventure, or Asylum? in your case the two words mean roughly the same thing. How will you fill the void? A good read on your Kindle?, A clever pod-cast?, A 6 hour Netflix Marathon with countless servings of cellophane wrapped microwave food? Perhaps a run through the park? A Picnic? A swim...?

If I could know for certain that each place I was to travel would have a single-origin, fair-trade fully washed Yirgacheffe, then I would not fear my uncertainty. I have never travelled without the safety net of a decent bag of coffee. I know I am a prick without, so I carry coffee with me, like a quaalude. If you've had to suffer the indignity of Nescafe packets in your Hotel, you could know for certain that the day would certainly be shit. I am certain about this one thing... If I could know for certain that the destination, and the dots on the map would be lined with great coffee, then I could make the leap. I've suffered an ocean crossing when the beer and booze runs out.  I've endured holidays with hostile relatives, where the food is shit, and conversation stalls in idiotic political stalemate -- But I've never let myself become so depraved as to not have access to good coffee.

Once you identify your uncertainty, which is most assuredly fear of rejection or failure, then Maybe you will 'cash-out' and walk away from your so called "Comfortable Life"; But if you do, could you please take our exit survey? You know the one... The small kiosk with the four  emoticon buttons ranging from Red Frowny-face to Green Gleeful-smile? Which one do you press as you flee your oppressive comfort bubble? "Everyone can benefit from your selection..." "These metrics will feed into the great mind-fuck database and will help others to make similar bull-shit choices". Tempted to tap the Frown, are you? but is/was it really that bad? Can you be sure that your next move will be better; That it will actually improve? How can we earn your Smiley emoticon? Do they have an exit survey for this life?, the one you are tending so carefully. What if you thought of every choice as being followed up with a survey? Would you answer honestly? Would this change you're selections.  When you press that button, will you regret your selection? Are you uncertain?

Are you leaving because someone didn't like your short story?, or your work performance? Are you leaving because someone threatened your family?, or was it just your pride?

Leave already!! Get your stuff packed! You don't need to pull everything out of your closet to pack a bag, because you know that the only clothes you actually wear are in the laundry basket. You have a rotating array of the same old shit, which parallels your routines, and you don't really have that much other stuff that you love, or would miss. Vanilla, Chocolate?, "Same as it ever was... Same as it ever was",  Thank you David Byrne!  Put that shit in a bag.  The rest is Just stuff that you pack around your head at night to snuff out the background noise. It's the noise, real, and metaphorical which we all struggle with. Eat the ice cream, buy two.

Shakespeare poignantly said in Henry the VI, (Part 2 Act IV scene 2)...; "The first thing we do (comma) let's kill all the lawyers". Well we could consider that, if they aren't already dead in their bubble. They are doing themselves in, so why bother.  Anyway it was "Dick the Butcher" who said it, and as far as Shakespeare characters go, I'm pretty sure he was a bad dude. You know who Dick is right?... Have you looked a shark in the eye? Yeah, same dead stare.  That's Dick. I'm compelled to think it's not the worst plan, but what about the advertising execs? (If you had less choices, would you be so miserable?) These executives of B.S. could be second on the list. Wait, isn't it Google's fault? ...Fool me twice, as the saying goes.  It's your fault. When people check into a provincial B&B, Road-trip, or tour the countryside, what is it that they seek? What is "Camping", if not a deliberate reprieve from advertising? A quiet respite, a walk in the woods, where no signs will sell you a damn thing. A sail across the ocean where only whales and water surround you. Your (anti-)social media won't save you from a desperately lonely life. Nor will stuff.  Be deliberate when you decide to leave the thing that you call comfortable. Put your pencils in a cup, stack your papers, delete your browsing history, sign-off.
​Be deliberate when you leave work today, perhaps for the last time. If you return, do so with a story.

Get packed up to leave our comfort bubble, it's shitty anyway...

Spinal Tap's Nigel Tufnel succinctly summarized the glamor of going to "11" with his Custom guitar amplifiers. What will live in infamy was this conversation where Rob Reiner his pseudo-Biographer in the Mockumentary asks him why the amplifier maker doesn't just make "10" the top volume increment, and make "10" the loudest.  (e.g. the increments of volume from 0 to 10 would effectively have the same effect, achieve the same output, albeit with a tighter scale).  "But this one goes to eleven"...  This famous rock-star retort could be applied to bicycles if the wilderness of patents weren't so difficult to navigate.  It could easily be said that the "Ten-Speed" bike was the first increment in the arms race that stretched everyone's imaginations toward an ideal range which everyone could get on board with.  Two gears up front, and five (non-indexed) gears in the rear. Both shifted with two levers on the down-tube, a simple fresh innovation that ushered in the first massive boom in bicycling since the 3 speed.  More gears, meant more speed right?, after all we soon came to fondly endear them in our lexicon, as "10-Speeds", and not as '10-Gears'  It seems that the "10-Speed" term of endearment, would stick around for some time, and nothing really so monumental came when 11 speeds came to market.  Our elders will recall freewheels from Rigida, with removable cogs, and gear ranges that could be adjusted, You could select your ratios, and place each of the gear on a spline and then screw that onto your threaded hub. Another innovation came with "Maxi-Cranks" putting the free-wheel mech in the Bottom-Bracket, so the pedals wouldn't move whilst the wheel spun.  All innovations landed us in the same place... "Ten-Speeds", became the gold standard for more than a few decades.  Indexing may have made shifting more slick, but for some it meant constant adjustments & compatibility issues amidst index standards.  It's really laughable when you consider that a Campy lever couldn't index a Shimano Freewheel, but it could shift a Sachs, at least most of them...  The challenge is much like Big Data, who have all decided that they won't share anything, so each tries to re-invent the same gadget using borrowed parts, and stolen ideas.
SRAM products used to really suck, (that is they were plagued with corollary issues provoked by the Titans at Shimano who seemed to throw a spanner in their works at every turn. Seems that they owned a lot of tech, and sharing was not their strong suit. For SRAM, nor was the idea of licensing. Since the first smooth "Grip-shift"). When SRAM, a tiny enterprise in Old Town, Chicago came to market with 'grip-shift', the gears were barely 21. A grippy plastic Cylinder with some teflon grease would pull the cable of your Shimano Derailleur up and down the cogs in snappy little clicks.   Grip-shift showed Shimano, that there was a new idea out there which could work with their stuff. The crucial element was the innovation. Had Shimano bought them right then, instead of making their own twisty, the world would be a far different place.  
The truth is that SRAM never did like the front derailleur, and they always struggled with making their front mech shift well. Before Red, SRAM hired an outside firm to help them tip-toe through a mine-field of patents to finally land upon a functional version which worked almost as well as Shimano, and Campy. When eTap arrived Shimano felt the shock-wave of the wireless bomb-blast, which would rob them of millions in high-end revenues for a few production years.  eTap wireless shifting works pretty well, and it "...goes to eleven".  The trouble with going to eleven, brings one simple question: Would you rather have Eleven gears which shift pretty well, (perhaps a click or clunk here or there) Or would you rather "make Ten the loudest", and have every gear index so smoothly that you could do it under full load on the uphill, and scarcely notice the transitions?

"But this one goes to Eleven"...
I'm not saying that innovation is not the engine that makes Cycling fun, but it is not necessarily the engine that makes it go forward.  We could have all ridden internals from Rohloff, or NuVinci, and never known that 12 was coming.  In fact Shimano's internals are amazing, range notwithstanding, and internals are clean and nearly flawless. Could we not have fit them all in a hub?... We would have been fine.

Now, by good ol' American ingenuity we have arrived at the narrow solution for that pesky problem of making the front derailleur work...  One company's answer was to just remove it.  It's almost difficult to imagine the simple ingenuity of this idea, and yet it seems that it was due.  Not so long ago we had three gears up front, and 8-9 in the rear.  More gears is a bit like more speakers in 'surround-sound'.  Dolby doing the industry a solid by incrementing the need for more speakers each year, until the consumer got so tired of the complexity that they gave birth to the 'sound-bar'.  Generally this "arms-race" for gearing was the "innovation" that was driving sales.  More gears, more speakers, and we all tabled for a moment our apprehension that all of it was merely making us miserable.  Shifting became more complex, chains narrowed, and people drank the Kool-aid sunning themselves in a splash pool in the yard revering their fickle bike in the background with a chewed up chain-stay, which they seldom rode.

When 'Eleven" came, SRAM created the first real important innovation which was less that of tech, and more that of Marketing Lexicon, and necessity.  "One-by" or '1X', became the new "Ten-Speed" (10-Speed).

Then came '12'... Fuck!! Really?  Do we need another cog?, a wider spread?, deeper dish?, a wimpier chain?
Alas I won't lament about the pros and cons of 11 vs 12, 1X vs 2x... but I do have to say this one thing that has been nagging at me.  If I embraced eTap, I bought it, I own it, and it's paid for -- It is wireless & 11 speed, and I wanted to go to 12, why do I need new shifters?
The shifting is virtual right?, it is a virtual digital index sending a wireless signal to a derailleur to increment, and as such, If I pay SRAM for a new cog-set, chain, and derailleur, then why do I need to bleed my brakes, buy new shifters, re-wrap my bars, and change-out the whole mess? The upside to 'Going to Eleven", When we forget all about our old kick-ass stereos, and our 'ten-speeds", skip right through Surround-Sound, we are left with an empty feeling and a single sound-bar, (sort of Like "One By") It's simple right? Now that 12 is the new normal, and '1X' the new "10-Speed" can we get some relief?
Well... if you want that single gadget to work properly, you'll have to pay the man.

I think we all know why, and in response to a reasonable request for a totally do-able thing, Nigel from "Spinal Tap" summed it up succinctly,  "But this one goes to eleven".


If you are not the least bit upset..., then perhaps you are not paying attention.

Everyone likes to get mail.  A tangible letter written to you, for you, with content that connects you to another person, place, or thing.  Sometimes the mail brings one, but most of the time, you get crap.  Once or twice a year, you can count upon a card for a holiday, or special day, but you get what you give, and most people don't even know what a "stamp" is, let alone how to affix one to an envelope or card.
You can pay people to notice you, in the form of a Magazine subscription, or you can buy some crap from one e-tailer, and get a relentless barrage of recycling from thirty more.  Like rabbits, the catalogs keep coming, and for shit so non-corollary, that you'd think that you unwittingly changed gender, religious affiliation, and tax brackets the moment you ordered a chaise lounge.  I think I need a larger post box just for the shit which in no way reflects my consumption.  

We can be amused or appalled by what comes in the mail, some junk the antecedent of the former occupant, and some just plain mis-aligned with your character.  When a personal card comes, and it's an invite from AARP, you can recycle it without further review.  When a handmade card comes from a relative, it is gold.

I used to think that magazines were cool, and I felt a connection with the content, and the tactile nature of reading articles in successive 2 minute sittings, over a week or so.  I used to get satisfaction from a clever anecdote or bio from a far flung universe.  Mostly, Magazines represented what Nat Geo, and Life came to create, this was a departure from the day to day, and an escape in a tiny capsule; bound into a tidy paper package, the magazine as a momentary respite in a far-flung foreign land.  When I became capable of paying for a subscription, I'd get kid-specific mags which represented a synopsis of some comfortable view-point of the world that I could relate to.  Later in life, we evolve into a magazine which further stretches from our dominion to another, and some we subscribe to for uncomfortable or "seat-of-the-pants" perspectives. Some we get just to peruse the pictures. 
Now I get some outdoor & bike mags to stay up with innovations, as seen through the lens of a few selfish, and formerly scrupulous editors. When a new mag comes, (less frequent now due to reduced subscribers, and publishings), I'll smile and flip through it, eager for some synopsis of cool gadgetry, or innovative product.  I'm sure some Mags still generate solid content in fits and spurts, but I can tell you which ones do not.  One is Esquire, and the other is Bicycling. Bicycling Magazine (a Hearst holding) has reduced both it's frequency, and its' content to crumbs. Perhaps this is a sign of reduced staff and the creative collaboration of a group of people challenging each other in an office, vs. a team of disparate scribblers penning ideas and submissions on a contract basis.  Of course in Bicycling, You can still count on a 20 year old photo of some cherubic shrew selling pheromones to lonely men; (I'm quite sure she doesn't look like that any longer, or even exist). You can also count on an Ad for some sort of titanium accessory which hits a niche so tight, that it can only be wielded from its' crevasse by the future king of some bizarre retro bike cult, where people still wear mesh helmet covers, and use toe-clips with white leather straps.
This Month, Bicycling featured a bike on the cover which I own, and you'd think that that would make me smile, and say, "Wow! cool my purchase has been validated by someone else in popular culture" -- But that didn't happen.  The cover featured the bike as part of some drivel about the best bike/s ever.  Ever!

So I flipped through the first thirty pages of ads, and advertorials to read something about Gerard Vroomen and the how & why the OPEN Cycles U.P.P.E.R. is good. I must say that while I appreciated the advertorial, as I'm certain Andy and Gerard did the mag's cover page... The writing and sloppy meandering justifications for what was supposed to be 10 bikes that change the world, read like foreign language phrase cards, in a jumbled pile on the floor... that article never resolved anything for me. I read through my new mag on a sunny afternoon on my chaise, with a cold Pellegrino, and found nothing there again.  It's getting to the point that I can hear the telephone conversation between the editor, and the brand. "Hey man can you do us a solid this month?, we have a shit ton of bikes to sell and we are maxing out our ad budget, and we need you to take everyone through he history of the Specialized Tarmac, from napkin sketch to race-wins, but, Although it's 'historical'..." -- "Can you please feature only images of our current Product line"?...  "Cool thanks man!!", "We will send you some swag with a check next week".

It's well known that OPEN Cycle's reputation has been hard-earned from the underground with clean simplicity, and solid design. There is no bullshit in the company, because the company is a few slick dudes. It should not be diminished, what a great bike the U.P. is, but when a big mag features a bike as the best EVER, they have a responsibility to give their article context, and more than one editors praise.  When a Hearst Magazine features a "History" of the development of the dominant Specialized Tarmac, shouldn't they also show at least a few historical images of that development, or even an image of the first version compared with the current?  Nah!! they don't have to do that.  Imagine a rag like Consumer Reports running editorials about V.W. instead of their typical passionate praise for Honda. Oh wait!! they already bias their crap., my bad. So Bicycling did just that... They wrote a jumble of praise for some bikes without much context, and NO historical images. They basically sold through Specialized Tarmac Inventory, and Pushed some more obscure brand agendas to any lacky who'd happened to pick up the mag waiting for a flight at an airport kiosk.
In-spite of such insouciance,  I will give a big high-five to the "Bikes Are Heritage" article by Morten Okbo.  This colorful expo of Italian bicycle titan Ernesto Colnago, and his Muse Fausto Coppi, may be the first piece of solid, passionate, and engaging writing from Bicycling Magazine in years.  It is a brief Bio into an iconic brand, It is a nod to fascinating historical figures, as well as a near religious reverence for the force of one passionate person in steadying if not shaping an industry. This article is where you could stop, because this is the only story aligned with the Cover Claim,
"The 10 Greatest Bikes Ever"

If Bicycling is going to get it's "learn" on, and the articles are to be "historical" in nature, as noted by the word "Ever" they should be sufficiently more than an opinion vacuum, lacking for anything contextual, historical, or non-biased -- Generally indefensible Op-Ed's header themselves as "Opinion" or with the following words:  [Paid Advertisement].

I love my OPEN, and my Specialized, and my Trek..., but If I ever delivered an advertorial styled self-serving scoop of drivel lavishing one bike with superlatives, such as the Specialized Tarmac, let's hope I'd give some historical context, and a few other opinions.  If I ever deliver a "History of", then let us hope I'd include a few readily available pictures of that historical process. The Tarmac article was Pure Advertorial.
Last I checked, "Ever" includes a long backlog of history, if even a hint of the future, In this Issue,  Number 4, we have Ten readily available current stock bikes, that you can rush right out and buy. Could we not have included somebody's Raleigh Three-speed, Flying Pigeon, or Opa? Thank you Bicycling Mag for further clouding the historical water with bits and pieces of journalism that give new initiates absolutely nothing solid to ride on.

Flush!

Oh, and that reminds me..., Now that OPEN cycles in the best "Ever", and have a new horse in their stable which is wider, fatter and a lower slung "one-by" than the U.P.P.E.R, -- Should Bicycling retract their story pending a test-ride? Is the new WI.DE. Bike a more overt push toward resuscitating the pure nostalgia of the rigid hard-tail Mountain Bike, c. 1997?

I won't dialog on your blog, as invited by the cover...  The bait has been nudged, but it fell off the hook. Sadly preceding an article with "A Preposterous, Barely Defensible, Overly Passionate (And Super Useful) Ranking" does not excuse the title using the "Ever" superlative.  If, one were to list the "Greatest Bikes Ever", then they'd have to begin sometime back in history.  For many mortals that would include a Klein, a PK Ripper, or a Mercxx. For others that may include a Schwinn Pixie, Collegiate Sport, or an Orange Crate.  For those who would like to enter the banter, the link is: Bicycling.com/GOAT . "EVER" is a long time, decidedly not limited to ready stock from a few makes.  "Ever" = "Fake News".

In a sporting nod to the prowess of my OPEN U.P.P.E.R. (contender for greatest bike 'ever', and also the cover photo) It is a good bike, among many.  I would bring it to any un-charted territory, prepared to suffer a bit if that ride turns out to be smooth pavement or boggy mud.  Is it a category killer? Well, um, it's not really in a category, so much as it straddles a few. I rode a tempestuous century on my OPEN though the countryside this week. Through the deluge of all day downpours, over gravel, mud, pavement, grass, fields, and general crap... My OPEN U.P.P.E.R. did all of this with aplomb. I'm happy that I was solo on the flats, so nobody had to hear my cursing. The OPEN is awesome, and one of very few swiss-army knives of the road-bike world, which seem to "get it right", much the same as the new Salsa, Giant or Specialized may deserve... (or most historical Cyclocross bikes) -- But on the flat smooth road it is not "all that", and it is NOT as fast as my other road machines.  Not even close. Is it good? Yep.  Is it great? Yep. is it an all in wunderkind? For the editor at Bicycling Mag, it seems to be. Can you get one bike?, an U.P. and sit on your hands for the next few years until another Meisterstück evolves?  You could've until a few weeks back when the OPEN WI.DE. arrived, so now you split the baby. Of course neither are road bikes, per se.

No, sadly; If you are riding pavement exclusively, and need to go hella-fast, you'll need something else. If you can only get one bike... then the U.P. platform is groovy. Simply put, the U.P. Platform was built for the owners for what they wanted in a versatile road bike; which is a crazy cool way to run a company if you are lucky enough to have a bike company to run.
As Gerard from OPEN recently said about his own bike,
​"I'm slow, right? But...Even though I'm slow, I want to go slow faster"

You know it, when you think back that they'd promised you jet-packs by now; And you thought, "f-yes!!" -- "That's going to be a banner day, when the box arrives".  So for years you waited idly, patient as a Hindu cow. Of course, you substituted other gadgets into your quiver, which would tide you over whilst your order was processed.  First it may have been a Big-Wheel, then maybe a Go-cart that you cobbled together from plywood, and some lawn-mower wheels.  Then it was a skateboard that you took some sweet jumps with, which cost your parents a holiday in the E.R.  We all know it was that 'crappy board' they got you, and not your mad skills, but you marched onward. Later, to the Bike that you loved, and you began to build ramps to jump that.  The bike panned-out, and it took you places, and so you never pressed about why the jet-pack hadn't arrived -- But you knew that somewhere, a really crafty genius was working on one, and it would hit the market just in time for your next birthday.  You worshipped the catalogs waiting for it to show up, in the "Big Book", But catalog shopping, like the internet, tends to segue attention toward other things.  Over time Bikes and Skates were refined, as well as all sorts of new inventive toys. You'd dreamed of lasers, real Spider-Man web-throwers, Grappling hooks, and capers which would inevitably require the jet-pack a' la James Bond, but it never came.  So fast forward a few decades, (or more), and they have them now, They are here!. Really!, Dudes like Branson have Jet-packs, and unfortunately they are way out of reach.  Fiscally, you would need to mortgage the house to nab a real-life Jet-pack!!. And... So it goes, you slog through the internet, like the Sears Catalog searching for substitutes.
You religiously muddy yourself with all sorts of adventures, pulling muscles, spraining this or that, and gearing up for things which put you close to the edge, so that you can come home with that "Jet-pack" feeling from sending a rock-face, or racing in a Crit, Hiking the PCT, but alas all of these things fall short of the 30 seconds you and your jet-pack need together to consummate a relationship.  
Today you've returned home from a bike ride, and realized that you have "Like literally never washed that thing", and it (your bike) is beginning to resent you for it.  Your bike is a shit-storm of residual road poop.  Seasons of build-up in crevasses, which dictate how hard you can press the pedals without evoking a creak or grinding sound which make you a laughing-case from a jump-start, considering the cost of that Carbon wonder. Would today be the day?

Today, I left the house at 7:40 am and pressed my pedals to emit a crackle from the bowels of hell, and thought, "That's OK! (he justified), I can merely take a sip from my bottle and squirt some down on the cranks and BB, and liberate some of that filth, so that I don't embarrass myself as I round the next corner.  When I caught up to pace, my bike was making less sound, but it struck me, "Must I always be 'That Guy', who never washes his rig, and shows up for a ride with a gilded chain, so clean you could floss with it, but a bike so filthy that I literally need to hose it with Electrolyte Kool-Aid, to keep it from making sounds?"  Today would be the day, that IF, I was good Didn't curse at any drivers, and washed my bike), They would bring it.  The pact you made with your parents, never came true, and you stopped promising "being good" a long time ago. in exchange, but isn't it time you paid it forward. So, I spun out the usual ride and returned warm and hungry, as the weather shifted from 36 at departure to 56 upon return.  One espresso consumed, discussing routes with the fellas, and I returned home to a day of chores.  Later, as My fate would have it, my "jet-pack" indeed arrived in a surprisingly small yellow cardboard carton, and as I'd un-boxed it methodically, like a stupid YouTube Video, I became aware of a mis-match of my expectation vs/ reality.  It was Small! Quite small.
How could something this small possibly get lift.  Immediately, (setting the instructions aside as normal) I set about to figure out how to fill it, charge it and get blasting. Today, unlike the last 45, it would be mild and sunny. I'm sure glad that the weather would cooperate for such a banner day.  I lifted the handle which separated the top from the base, and inside was neatly stowed the power brick, a hose, and a nozzle. It was all so neatly packaged and smartly compact that I was quite impressed with it's efficient form.  I plugged it in to charge, and diverged for some other tasks.

 OK so I'm impatient, and I didn't wait very long for the charge cycle, and with the tank separated, I headed to the kitchen sink to fill it up.  It's rather straight-forward, and as such, at no time did I think I may have been "doing this wrong", I merely popped the top, put 4 liters in it, and headed outside.  The jet Nozzle rotates like a bayonette into place onto the handle without any effort, and when the tank is returned to the body, lifting the outer handle aligns the tank handle below, becoming one tote handle.  It's basically a lunch-box on steroids.  Here I go into JPL test one.
The unit has a small rubber cover for the power adapter, to conceal the electric bits from spray.  It's good to keep that closed, and also good to not spray oneself, or the unit, as I'm sure a deluge could make for a very unhappy friend.  The unit has a power button, but when in use the mere act of pulling the trigger begins the pump.  So, when you pause, the pump shuts down, and the unit is silent. Here is the action shot of the jet-pack in action.  

Yes, but... is there sufficient lift, to jet this filth into oblivion? Well, yes there is. This tiny toy of a Lunch-box, is no slouch on the couch.  My bike literally has NEVER been bathed, except by accidental rides in rain of all sorts.  The Jet thing is Que Fuerte! especially for something that could fit neatly in a pannier bag. It's not your Paint peeler to prep the rotted deck boards for a fresh finish, but to clean your Bike, Vintage Vespa, Hub-caps, Deck Chairs, Grille, Dog Bowls, litter-box, Trash Cans, and any other nasty bits its perfect.  In fact, I smiled pressing the gas on this tiny toaster sized bathing apparatus.  You will of course find all sorts of "Other Uses", and perhaps some of those will be creatively censored by the critics.  Not enough lift to get me off the ground, sadly... But I can live with a cleaner bike that will propel me further, with less gas and batteries, than whatever the Billionaires are flying these days.  I think that the Karcher OC 3 could be the robot you bring to every Mountain-Bike and Cyclocross event this year.  It does with one tank of water enough to get a mucky bike into a clean trunk, and with a few reservoir refills this tot-size shower will shine nearly any toy to new condition.  And Heck on a sunny day, who doesn't want a double rainbow.  I don't know much about the Marketing Momentum behind the Bumble Bee brand in the U.S.  But if you want to clean up some shit with a jet-pack small enough to fit in your messenger bag, then this is the portable super soaker you have been searching for.  You may have in mind a far more powerful soul-mate to clean the Siding, and strip the paint off your dog-house, but if you dwell far from a hose-bib, a power outlet, or even a faucet, then you could do worse than to let this one into your coven.  As I listen to Jeff Buckley crooning "Hallelujah", I am reminded of the serendipity of a proper sound-track to a lovely afternoon when your poor neglected filthy bits finally get a proper washing, and when it happens, it just makes you feel whole again. 

Make yourself one again with your filthy neglected stuff, and 'Dance Yourself Clean' with a miraculously convenient thing you'd never realized you needed, until it was revealed to you.
But don't take it from me, No.  Go ahead and ask my Bike what it's done for our relationship.  You already have a drawer full of neglected gadgets, and unlike your folding exercise equipment under the guest bed, your drawer full of perfectly good misfit phones, and That Shitty Drone you bought to stave off the Jet-Pack. With this one, you could actually do some good in the world, and clean up something you can't bear to stare at.  I read other articles and reviews of the tiny Karcher and think it's fair to chime-in about what may be considered it's flaw.  My new Karcher Jet-pack has a 4 liter reservoir, and I filled it three times to get real fresh with my favorite road bike, but heck, have you looked at it in the "Before" image.  It was a grimy mess.  Today we are re-kindling a relationship of mutual respect, and admiration.  I really like my new jet-pack, not as much as my bike of course.  The Karcher OC 3 is about a Buck-Fifty, ($129-169) and it's every bit the cool that you thought you were when you first rode a 2 wheeler.  Grab one, and do it clean.  You will simultaneously thank me for saving you from a creaky filthy bike, and blame me for removing all that stands between you and your weekend chores.   

You know the TV show where the guy purports to be his one and only camera crew and then ventures into the tundra with a bag of Seal meat, and a Multi-tool? Well there is also another "Choose your own adventure" series a' la Wild Krats where our hero takes you to remote places but you know in your heart that his crew-van is 20ft. off-camera preparing him a barbeque lunch, just as he pretends to eat Bear poop to survive.  This said, can we please agree that there is in fact a sliding scale of adventurers, from those who talk about it, all the way up to those who don't take the time to share, because they are "doing" something constantly.  Yes?  So anyway when you see a review in Esquire about cool adventure gear, and the latest pay to play North Face fashion, you may make time to tune out, and to hit a real reference library, before you push a pile of money across the table. It's OK if you bought a Panerai, or Bell and Ross, because you'd envisioned your next trip to 4 star hotels in Thailand to be "rugged".  It may come as no surprise that Pilots don't actually check their Breitling at odd moments when they are turning-blue, and  grabbing for the O2 Tank.  So dig it, are we all levelled off now?.  Someplace out there is a 16 year native kid who can smoke you on any mountain course, with gear a dime-to-dollar below what you so fashionably sport.  Lets begin here. Edmund Hillary and Chouinard did it in wool sweaters, and cotton because that's what they had.  Right?

So pick-out your own flipping multi-tool, and wear your 21-jewel watch, when you flip it open, to cork a bottle of Bordeaux... but don't whine when you are actually ill-equipped to enjoy and finish a trip.  You can thank Men's Journal, and your myopia, when you need to phone  a friend for an ex-fill, half way into a cool adventure.  For the rest of us, let's talk tech.  The multi-tool, what is it?  I want to believe that Gerber, Leatherman, Sog, and Victorinox, all have people in the field giving them feedback, but that's not true for most brands.  What is true is that the net material cost of "X", with the Marketing Cost of "Y", measured against the Sales Team's forecast for sell-through and returns numbers from the largest retailers, will net out the product that is built just for you. Getting the right tool is simple.  Hold it, try a few, and ask some people who actually use them.  What they carry daily, is likely functional.   

Mine comes from Victrorinox, and I have literally kept one on my belt for two decades.  For me, it works everywhere.  For you, there is a tool perhaps like mine, and your use will vary, so will the brand.  For me, there is no other tool.  I have read about and held others.  I have taken two or three into various places, and have yet to find a place where I'd wished that the manufacturer (I've chosen) had only been more thoughtful.  I have filed screw heads flat to remove with the pliers, cut sections from a pole, stake, or metal post to create a make-shift part.  I have cut through fences, Opened Walls, and Trimmed Copper Pipe. I have sawed lumber, splints, branches, and cut and fileted fish, beef, bison, elk, my own muscle, and changed the oil and plug on a vintage Vespa.  My tool has built shelters, pruned Fruit trees, and re-tuned carbs and camp stoves.  I have re-wired a small  electric grid, cut my hair, nails, and diced garlic.  We all mend sails, and splice line with our Multi-tool, right? There is a myriad more means to prove their salt, but we don't brag. It's just that you only have this one tool with you, and so you "make do". When you buy yours, you should consider the mechanics in your hand, the pivots, and hinges and how they will behave when strained, wet, salty, and clogged with sand.  You need to know that when you open the blade, pliers, of file, that the mech wont break your last remaining thumb-nail just to get the awl out to sew your tire closed.  
When you pick out your multi-tool, you should look around and listen to what others have to say about theirs, and remember what your multi-tool is for, and what it is not.  It is not an Axe, and will never be one, so don't buy one with an axe handle, or hammer built in.  Your multi-tool is not a Spoon, Spork, or spatula, although you could probably coax some food from a pan or fire with it.  Your multi-tool is not a flint, compass, nor Time-piece, and it probably wont have 64 Gig of memory in the handle.   Your Multitool is your best friend when you have it at the moment that it is useful. If you select well, your Multi-tool  may save your life.  When you find the right one for you, you will know it.  Once you have one which works for you, you can go and buy all the things that your multi-tool is NOT, including an Axe, a Spoon, a Compass, and even that watch you think you need.  What's funny about the watch thing, is that you will know your pace, Lunch-time, bed-time, and when you are tired,  without the Rolex, or the knock-off crappy multi-tool. If you bother to adventure someplace, with a clever tool, (even if it's your friend's house, where they don't have a screwdriver or pliers), you can whip out your thing, and make it happen.  l  I can't endorse all models, and brands, and wont tell you that you will find my favorite tool as useful, as I do -- But I can say that you will not be disappointed with the dynamic duo or the Victorinox Spirit, in any version paired with the Gransfors Bruks, Belt axe. You can literally carry each on either side of your belt, and forget they are there.  Both are perfect tools for me. You can get the Axe from WesSpur, and the Multi-tool from Victorinox

"Climate Change, is caused by Carbon, Hamburgers, & Ride-share, right?, not people..."
A few observable excessive phenomena may contribute to extraordinary weather episodes are: Trash, Deliveries, and Ride-share, all of these are at a scale which we've never witnessed before. All of them sadden me like that iconic 1971 native, Iron Eyes Cody touring a trashed planet. The video we watched growing up is linked HERE. It's not surprising that when I ride my bike to work, 3 out of five cars have a border-state license plate, a ride-share tag, and a single passenger in the back seat. During “rush hour” there seems to be a giant increase in ride-share traffic, and a proportional decrease to Public Transit, Bikes and Pedestrians. Come to think of it, I was wondering yesterday  why the French and Italians don’t “work out” like Americans, and think it might have to do with their walk to: work, lunch, the grocery, the bar, cafe, etc… When we ride-share, we encourage people to not ride their bike to work. May is Bike to work month, and when we take a Lyft, we collectively encourage a doe-eyed suburbanite to cluelessly drive through the density of the city to chauffeur lazy Millennials around while both the driver and the passenger stare at their phone’s glowing screen. Normally I’d say "live and let live", but because it’s “Bike to Work Month” could we please watch the road for bikes?, or learn to drive without blankly staring at a screen?, Please!!.
​Today, when I take out the trash, every can is full of delivery cartons, plastic, and foam packaging, and the streets are regularly blocked with delivery vans. It’s tough to put the trash out, because the overflow of whole cardboard and packaging is everywhere. Five years ago one trash can per house would suffice, now each needs three. It’s good to know that somebody comes each week to take all of my shit away by some magical sleight of hand, but where does it actually go? It used to go to China, Indiana, Barges, and Hulking incinerators, but now it just piles up in my alley. I think it may be nice to save all of my neighbors whole cartons, and trash (offsite) for a year, and then return one sunny afternoon in May, and pile it in their yard.  What a strange annual lottery we could have, if some un-witting neighbor who never broke down boxes nor sorted their recycling, got it all re-delivered one fateful Earth-day. I think the pile would exceed the volume of their home.
Perhaps that sort of lottery would incentivize people to see the scale of the issue. Perhaps it has nothing to do with Climate Change, but could it be that a steep penalty or tax on new boxes, and deliveries could offset or shift the status-quo mounds of shit piling up?
​
Riding and walking is simple, and even fun, but why bother, when some poor slob can do it for you. It’s not that I’m advocating a single child policy, but have you looked around at how many people there are? Quite a lot… We seem to be in need of companionship, But do we need to keep a driver and delivery guy, on staff.  Seems like we first get a dog or two, (and we can't be bothered to open the lid to ditch their poop bags) -- Then we get a few SUV’s, and then a larger house, and then a few kids, and before you know it the carbon foot-print is quite a bit larger than when they were in college. In college most of  my furniture was second hand. In fact now that you are in full consumer acceleration making diapers, and such, with a few kids, the shoe shopping really accelerates, and a critical mass of boxes begins to mount. 
Today you may have masonry blocks propping up your make-shift shelving, and a door slab set atop two saw horses for a desk, and you may be drinking from your only thrift-store, cup, or coffee mug, and that’s O.K. …Actually that’s kind-of ideal from an environmental perspective.  So, you are not the problem… yet. Until you start the new job, and ride-share to and from everywhere, (even during Bike to Work Month). Your dog is not the problem, but when you consider the Food delivery for both you and Scraps, and the cardboard, utensils, and packaging, from Chewy, boxed-meals, and take-out food, we just don’t compress and up-cycle like the Market down the street. The local Grocer is selling their compressed cardboard back to a paper mill, and re-selling it to you, so you can buy soft tissue, and wipe your butt. I think if everyone could pump the brakes a bit on buying everything in a package, and then having the same delivered by a truck in yet another box, with foam peanuts; We may find that the neighbors (whom you’ve never met thanks to delivery and Netflix) are actually friendly engaging people. When you walk your own dog, in-stead of having a service pick them up, you can perhaps meet the neighbors walking theirs. If you visit the grocery on your own, you may be able to skip the gym.  If you bike to work this month, you could use your ride-share money to eat ice-cream, which won’t go to your waistline, because you rode to work…

I know it’s all a environmentally unsound, but you could eat ice-cream every night, and not work out at all — and still be fit and happy. If you'd walk your own dog, walk to the store, prepare your own meals, shop for your own stuff, and ride to work, you are basically "French".  All of this suave behavior can be done while meeting and interacting with other people, who may become your best friend, or the one you settle-in with to watch Netflix.  

I’m no saint myself, and I do have a lot of shoes that I don’t wear, (I can only wear one pair at a time).  Would you know it?, the ones I don’t love were all purchased “on-line”.  The ones I wear daily, I got at a store.  You know those tidy white boxes with glass, and easy-listening music? --The store, not the shoes... Anyway, you can actually buy shoes in a store, and see how you like them before you pay.  That store also recycles their cardboard boxes, compacting them clean and flat to be reused so you don’t have to pile them whole behind my house. If you buy shoes at the store, you can ask them to keep the box, and you can ride home wearing your new shoes, like you did when you were five.  Romantic.
I’m glad that I have plenty of stuff, but stuff takes it’s toll on the environment.  I'm trying to offset my carbon foot-print by owning more carbon bikes, (e.g. repurpose Carbon to offset it's global increase). I may be using some bad math, as excess carbon bikes have loads of metal parts which net a ton of energy, and waste, to produce. I do ride them however, every day.  I never drive to work, nor to the store, nor to the shore, or even to camp, so I am at least pretending to do my part riding my carbon. Just the same, Climate change is(n’t) real, so you can relax on the couch, and continue to wreck the earth with cardboard delivery boxes, gas, smog, ride-share, styrofoam, and other pollutants, such as cheeseburgers. 
​Mmmm! Cheeseburgers...!! Did you know that factory farming produces an average 16% of greenhouse gas emissions, 17% for Beef...  While cars and Trucks about 14%.  Here is the rub; It is worse to eat a burger (ecologically) than to drive there to get one. The real issue is that greenhouse gasses such as methane from cattle production is 23 times more hazardous to the environment than C02 from your car. You could however, eat all of the burgers you want, if you could cut some of the other junk from your wasteful world. Nobody wants to hear that they've, "...Pretty much always been a dick-head, and that's why, we need to break-up", but the facts show that White People's fetish with beef, is hugely bad for Climate Change.
​Here is the reason we need to break up with Beef, a study on food–energy–water impacts of the average American diet by demographic group, published 25, March 2019, by Bozeman, Bozeman, and Theis, finds that Beef really is the worst food for the environment.
Perhaps when you do get your next meal (if you didn’t already have it delivered), and you did take ride-share today, then you should offset some of your misplaced Carbon, and some Methane, and choose to eat something else.   
If you became that one person in a thousand, who rode their bike to work every sunny day in May.  Congratulate yourself and eat whatever you want, perhaps a cheeseburger, and make a plan to ride a bit more this year. May is “Bike to Work Month”, and you are saving the planet, compared to your deadbeat neighbors, who are jointly responsible for the constant rain.