Stoner Dictionary  "Lid"

Lid: noun 1. a slang term for roughly one dry ounce / or 28 grams of marijuana

Example: “Man, I’m about one finger short of a lid.” ..."Dude, Can I get just one lid off you, I don't have bookoo bucks?"

Lids are always a good thing to have around your home and can assist you in any measuring occasion. Lid was common terminology used in the U.S. during the ’60s and ’70s and is now used to describe roughly 1 ounce of marijuana --Measured using the lid from a common Canning Jar such as "Ball" or "Mason", or the "LID" from a finished jar of Skippy Peanut Butter. Back then the Jars were all Glass, and the lids generally shallow. People were far more chill, and stoners even more mellow, so being exact on transactions was (umm like) un-sportsman-like.

An ounce of Mary Jane (one Lid) is about 28.35 grams of weed, a fairly good amount, and this measurement was profanely simple to do without any special tools. a scale, or any other apparatus.

On my painful, and deliriously amazing recovery ride today, As my mind drifted into that special silent whirring space where we center ourselves by bicycle -- I'd wondered , Just how much my bike weighed, [in "70's speak"]. Since upgrading some bits -- I'd wondered in particular, how much it weighed in "Stoner Parlance" rather than in that mythical "Metric System", which we only vaguely know.

First we need to establish what a Lid is not.  A lid is not the top of a shoe-box... It's basically four fingers. and a Basic Jar lid use as measure for a rough ounce.

To do the calculation properly one would have to first forget all of the above B.S., because "A Lid" had no real analog to Decimal Points nor to Fractions, as it was simply fast math, or ...well, simply "A Lid". 

This said, I set about to weigh my bike with many "Lids" on one side of a balance, and soon realized that absolutely nobody was going to understand what The fuck I was talking about.

So I reeled it in and thought it better to explain why I'd Upgraded anything whatsoever.

What will follow will be a decent into Superlatives, and Bike Bullshit.

You see, Last week a lady rolled the stop and nearly broke me and my bike into two pieces broadside.  So when I chose the lesser damaging evasive path -- I slid into a culvert, broke two ribs and my right hand.  Or...Rather, she broke my ribs, three fingers on my right hand, and removed a lot of the skin from my right side, as well as ruining my favorite jersey, and cracking my helmet.

But well, she took off.

In short I was about Three fingers short of a LID.

My body took the brunt of the spill, sparing my bike much damage. I reassembled myself, and rode the final 12 miles back bloody and battered -- Velocity and cool clotting blood had cementing my hand to the right brake hood, which required a garden hose to release it.

A week later, When I felt capable (but not comfortable) to ride again, I'd promised myself a recovery gift. Initially I'd set out to replace my Bar-Tape and the like, venerable but then decided to upgrade my aging 11-Speed Dura-Ace kit with the New Campagnolo Super Record 13 Wireless. This meant procuring a new Group-set, and retiring my aging Dura-Ace kit, and Power Meter crank to another bike -- in exchange for two more sprockets, and some sexy Black-Carbonara Italian Couture.

I didn't do this because my shit was totally fucked, because my Dura-Ace 11 worked fine lest a bent UDH and mangled bars... I did this upgrade because, as a total wreck, some missing skin, and a bad week in Bandages, and Bactine, felt like a great excuse to upgrade. 

Nothing more.

Any way, I was channeling Jonas and Tadej, and wondered, "If Tadej's last winning bike sold for $163,430... [Then, I soon wondered], "What will their wrecked bikes be worth to a collector?"

Is there nostalgic value in holding onto crashed juju?  The Ghisallo Bike Museum and Madonna del Ghisallo Church in Italy would certainly be looking forward to new crushed bike donations, Right?

Perhaps their wrecked bikes were still rideable.

Perhaps Not.

Well, what follows is my impression of Campy 13 Super Record, in the context of a bad hand, some compromised Body positioning, and the venerable Campy Brand's Comeback from sustained bodily injury.  This all in light of the fact that with little exception there seems to be a void of useful clarity on what Campagnolo have created in Super Record 13. It also begins with "FINGERS", their importance and some of the clever things you can do with them... If you can keep them.

By the way, My bike now weighs: ~222.5 LIDS with pedals, bottle cages, and a computer mount. That Campagnolo Cambio Corsa review follows next...

Nice!

If you can keep your fingers...

The First "Derailleur" [of sorts] by Campagnolo was sort-of Brilliant

You simply reach blindly behind you into your spokes and release your wheel, Kind-of, ...and then push your chain sideways with a tuning fork thing, then re-lock your wheel into place.

Campagnolo's New Super Record 13 Wireless is Amazing!

Nearly as brilliant as the original Cambio Corsa shifter system -- And look how far we've come since Tulio Campagnolo invented the Quick Release lever, and then later a shift lever to move the rear mech up a cog or two and make climbing easier.  All of this without removing your wheel and flipping it over. Land sakes! it's astonishing that I get to ride Campy again, and it's brilliant. Especially with a broken hand.

My friends will ridicule me for getting some new bits, and the dubious reasons, but I'm glad for the pokes, because My shit is cooler than their shit right about now.

Campagnolo Super Record 13 is a great value, and in fact it's less expensive than Shimano Dura-Ace and SRAM Red, by about a hundred and fifty bucks. Generally when Some asshole starts in with How, "...Campy is the Best ever,  (and that) "they should never have ceded Italian dominance to the so called Asian brands" -- You know you are in for a fucking lame-o monologue.  But Campy Super Record 13 is actually better, cheaper, sexier and simpler to set-up than the competition. And it's ergonomics really shine.

Shimano 13 is on it's way to the public, and SRAM has all sorts of cross-combinations possible with their latest 12 Speed Kits.  In fact because everyone else, [Which means two other legit vendors]  Offer three principle price tiers, for their current kits, there is a lot of cross compatible capabilities to cut costs, and to keep one rolling. I've ridden them all from Wireless XTR to Red One-By, and can say enthusiastically that these are all rather state of the art.  What I don't adore on SRAM like Blips and shit batteries to their hood ergonomics, Shimano Gets Right, from most positions.  What I find lame with Shimano is to reach paddles from the deep drops, and in particular under load. Climbing requires that subtle nuance of rolling one's hands up a bit and releasing primary fingers to down shift -- This is a bit sketch.  But for Shimano the "Bonus Button" on the center of the brake hood seemed magic, [sometimes] but weird to hit with one's tantric thumb. while actually on the hoods.  If I pull the brake with wrapped fingers, I hit my damaged digits. As such, what bright ingenuity one brand boasts, the other seems to wither at. Such is the world of patents, and lawyers. And yet these are all "horses for courses". Some will excel where others fail.  Neither will have both benefits.  Do I have a favorite?  Well my opinion does not matter -- But Yes, I do now.

The marketing Director for SRAM still owes me money, and so I tend to favor Shimano... Also Shimano shifts quieter, and better under load than SRAM all day long. 11 - 12 & 13 speed, have all become the reference standard.  SRAM have wide compatibilities, and broad gear ratios, mostly born of never having figured out ho to build a functional front derailleur.  But Now, finally! we have another cheaper, even better option.  And, ...NO it is not a Chinese Knock-off. Also that new kit has a front derailleur and it works.

Coming up from behind is that purely elegant yet frustratingly troubled Italian Marca, which used to be the reference standard, Campagnolo. And the new Campy 13 is amazing!

There was a Bike Shop / Western Wear store in my neighborhood growing up, Called Town and Country Bikes; and it had a few high end bikes hanging from hooks amongst Wrangler's, Dingo's, Turquoise Crap, and Silver Belt Buckles. 

I should say that it was mostly a clothing store, But the owner had a passion for Cool bicycles.  

The ones hanging from the ceiling, had 8 by 10 ruled paper price tags taped to dusty tubing that said simply, "If you have to ask... You cant afford it".  One of these was a Dawes, One was a Cinelli, and One was a Colnago. They all accumulated webs and dust over time, owing to the owner's charm and resentment for bike folk. Behind the counter was a Peg-Board display of Everest & Regina Freewheels from back when you could build them, along with some Campagnolo cogs in close single tooth jumps for brilliant close cadences. Back then, "Range" was not a thing.  "Harden the Fuck Up" was in fact, a thing. And people climbed on 52 / 18's and 54 / 23's without water, lycra, or complaint.  Aero wasn't yet it's own bullshit -- Because it was still silly dumb-shit which hadn't yet been born.

I never bought much at Town and Country. And because the owner didn't have much of a repair shop, nor I  liquidity, I never had my bike serviced there either.  I did however buy a roll of Benotto Cello Tape, to re-wrap my chrome steel Continental Bars. That blue Schwinn weighed about 9 pounds more than I did. LIKELY My bars weighed more than my Current Campy Group-set.

Most of his displayed "DONT ASK" bikes had Campagnolo Groups, and One, The Dawes, had High Flange Polished Hubs.

This was my first tingling veneration for the Italian Brand which later brought context to my aspiration to one day own some cool-ass Italian shit. Namely Campagnolo.

In Highschool I skated & My Skateboarding buddies worked odd jobs for Schwinn's elite frame factory in Waterford.  I wasn't into road Bikes then, Just BMX... But the One-offs which they'd built us for Free-style and ramp riding were insanely cool. Most importantly the repurposed pump peg spikes brazed across stand-offs for gripping our Vans for tricks like a pogo-stands, bander-rolls, or a no-hander reverse stand. One friend Cameron, working as an apprentice frame-builder (a few years later), and he built me a custom bike with full Campy Nuovo Record, and the rest was history.

In College I raced in amateur events as a privateer and also with Bennet's Bikes,  and I rode the shit out of that SLX Paramount. Eventually that bike would get me a job in a Bike shop to feed the habit. This was both a blessing and my entire life's undoing.

[N+1]

THIS blurry CONTEXT SERVES ONLY AS THE LENS THROUGH WHICH I WILL NOW VENERATE CAMPAGNOLO'S SUPER-ELITE NEW SUPER RECORD, "COMEBACK GROUPSET".

Completely impartial, I know, but they "Nailed It"!

The New Campagnolo 13 is hands down the greatest, simplest shit I've installed in years. This is also the easiest to set-up and perhaps the most thoughtfully ergonomic rider interface to date.  It is simply "superbe", [Sorry Suntour].

I pulled apart my recently crashed Dura-Ace kit, and cleaned up the frame in preparation for the headache of a new bike build with the Drama of learning a new Italian Methodology.

There was none of that. 

I dreaded most the Brake Set-up because My Aethos has that stupid proprietary drilling which required a second rear brake for the front Fork.  Asking A.I. as to why a flat mount front brake wont fit my Aethos, was the longest idiotic garbage feedback loop from a stupid WWW which clearly couldn't find it's own ass, let alone cogent answers.  In short -- Aethos and Tarmac use Rear Brakes because they wanted to shave grams by using hollow fork lowers, which meant drilling the bottom brake hole higher. That means if you order a set of Campy brakes for flat mount 140 or 160 you will inevitably get the wrong front brake, and NO, there is no adapter plate to make a front brake work on an Aethos.

So, provided you know this, then you simply order two 140mm Flat mount rear brakes, from Campy. Part Number: CL02-DB140.  A clean and easy part number.  You need two of these.  The front specialized adapter will make the 140 fit a 160 rotor.  The 140 rear can be stacked with any plain jane spacer for a 160 rotor.

In fact all of the Campy kit is completely a 'la carte, and simple to order to get things perfectly tuned to one's preferences.  The Chainrings ship separate of the cranks, and both come in abundant sizes, lengths, and combinations. I had the most simple and smooth selection and purchase experience with a local vendor called EuroBikeParts.  They are linked here, and from my experience, I can highly recommend you buy your next Campagnolo Gruppo from them.

Campy Cog-sets have brilliant combinations with single-step spacing at the bottom of the cluster cone, to pace cadence perfectly with your output capability. The chain is lithe, slick black, simple to break and just as  easy to re-connect with a quick-link... No more "snap-off" pin or "peening" to loosen the links. I did it with a Compact Park 12 speed chain tool, without issue.

The Crankset is pure magic.  Wickedly rigid glowing forged carbon -- To this extent; after replacing my Dura-Ace, My bike felt far more responsive, like  a Tarmac or Time Bike BB -- Far more propulsive and had way more (perceived) drive power. Even with injuries and my head position higher to dodge my cracked ribs. I felt my output was stronger, watts higher, and Moving Pace was about six seconds lower per mile over a two hour ride.  I couldn't tell you my  wattage gain or loss, because I'd opted to pocket the expense of the Campy 13 Power meter crank-set and get back to riding without seeing my retarded data sets.

Here are the options for Chainrings: 

45/29 | 48/32 | 50/34 | 52/36 | 53/39 | 54/39 | 55/39

My Build was a 172.5, 10/38, 48/32 140 rear 160 front.

My Aethos Frame is BSA, and the Campy BB called QCK-Tech uses the Blue Park Notch tool so that was a no-brainer. The BB is silky smooth and the bearings are pre-mounted (not in the cups, but on the Ti axle). The BB has some sort of retainer clip which made zero sense to me, and is placed on the non-drive side outer cup after installing it. The clip doesn't get inserted anywhere, and this is the ONLY thing where instructions are vague and even mystifying.  The clip (shown below) attaches to a groove around half the circumference of the left cup with two pinholes to guide install. With the exception of this $3.50 part the entire bike can be built and tuned in two hours.  It is (perhaps)  Best to do the deed and pull your brake hoses through the frame before the BB cups go in though.  Wink!

Brakes and Such

The Campy hoses are pre-connected to the calipers, and are pre-bled. They come with a stainless notched eyelet plug attached to the cut end, so one can use a piece of string, or monofilament to fish the hoses easily.  Once done with the drudgery of hose routing,  and with the Hoods mounted -- One can cut and connect the new Campy Hoses without any fuss or loss, such that the Brakes DO NOT require any bleeding. Whew!

The Hose connection on the levers has a flexible L-Shaped banjo extension which nests in the carbon lever body, but flexes out for simplicity -- Making the measurement, cutting, and insertion of the Hose far faster, more flexible, and more simplistic than both "S" brands. This is because the caliper hose doesn't need to be contorted to fit into the unyielding lever body.  You don't need to first tape the hose to the bars, then measure cut and remove the tape again, just to seat them. Only to discover that the front was cut too long or short.  The Calipers come complete with a barb, and olive, and Campy says that you should first press-in the barb, then place the olive into the lever's flexy Stainless Banjo fitting -- And then insert the collar & hose, cinch the lock-nut slightly to grab the olive within. This allows one to pull the hose with olive back out to observe (amusedly) how the olive magically seated perfectly. Full Install details are all covered by a half dozen very well done YouTube tutorials produced in perfect English. These are Far more intuitive instructions than  Shimano, and of course those childlike Ikea Instructions from SRAM.

I routed, cut, connected, and cinched my two hose fittings to the Brake Levers, wiped the bars with ISO, re-installed the Pads, and Wrapped the Bars in less than 40 minutes. When my wheels were installed the Brakes had zero fade, and perfect modulation. I didn't use Campy rotors, as I had the ICE-Tech Shimano 9 series discs already on a set of wheels and they bed-in perfectly without chatter, or bite.

If this super simple set-up experience is shared by other techs installing New Hydro Brakes & Hoses --then Please share; Because I have NEVER had a Brake go together without the need to bleed, and certainly NOT a new product on it's first try.  The Campy Brakes have wonderful modulation, brilliant stopping power, zero screech, but they are a bit bulky. The SR13 Brakes  are basically the same ones they've been making for a few years, and have not evolved in this release. They don't necessarily need to, but I can imagine the next iteration will be smaller, sleeker, and better. In fact I'd not put it past Campagnolo to forge carbon for their next release.

Shifting and Shift Tuning.

Setting up the Campy Derailleurs is simple, and straightforward. Of course they have an APP, but the basics like shift limits, and such are analog. The Rear Mech comes with a UDH extension attached, and so if you have a standard direct mount hanger (gasp!) then you simply remove this linkage.

Once attached to the bike, pairing is simply a matter of installing two expensive batteries, and turning on the shifter.  Shaking the bike to wake the derailleurs helps if you move slowly.  Shifters latch to the closest BT Kit in initial pairing mode, as if by magic. You can reset them simply, if you fuck that up and or if you have a busy shop, and there are others messing about with Campy... but there is NO reason to curse yet,  because there is NOTHING "Campy-Strange", proprietary, or even "Italian-esque" about set-up.  

Fine tuning in the APP is a bit like Shimano, but in the current APP the micro-adjustment is more a listening exercise, because Campy do not graphically display the increments on a visual scale in their APP, like E-tube. ...At least not yet.  The APP is simple, elegant, and free of agreements, and safety warnings. It just works.

The Campy APP is less about tracking you and your data, like SRAM, and more about the utility of fine tuning, battery level, and configuration. So if you crave DATA, and stats for gear usage, and why you always spin in your little ring, then keep it on the trainer -- Because Campagnolo was never for you. 

Campagnolo have room for improvement, but they needn't to do much more to keep up with their competition.  Except perhaps to release a Chorus Analog.   Also their Brand Ethos forbids them from being kitschy and data driven, in favor of being functional and damn sexy.

Who knows what is next.

Here are some of the current 13 speed Cassette Options which make your cadences feel far more natural and even effortless:

• 10-29 (10/11/12 – 13-14-15-16-17-18 – 20/23/26/29)
• 10-33 (10/11/12 – 13-14-15-16-18-20 – 23/26/29/33)
• 11-32 (11/12/13 – 14-15-16-17-18 – 20/23/26/29/32)
• 11-36 (11/12/13 – 14-15-16-18-20 – 23/26/29/32/36)

When I ride One-By, I dread many long varied rides and races, because regardless of gear combinations chosen -- There seems to be no way to achieve both subtle shifts in cadence that bring about a comfortable rolling Audax, and a Short Smiling Sprint up a steep hill. Lest we mention the downhill where you spin-out at 27 MPH.  And now... it's Time to coast.  Mind you, I love the coast, but if you roll a small front chainring on your trainer, and wonder why you underperform on the flats, then you are (generally) a SRAM fan and you now know why.

Most big events begin with some huge initial climbs to sort the wheat from the chafe, and then "FLATLANDIA" upon a mesa, for three-four hours, before your decent into madness for having the wrong gearing all the while and then spinning out on the downhill. This seems to be how most Endurance, and Light Gravel courses are organized. Let's say you have a single 44 or 46 up front [GASP!], and you want to cruise up a steep hill into a mesa, and then flat-land for 50 miles, before rolling back down the mountain. You have perhaps the right front gear, but to make it up the steepest hills, you will want a wide range rear, and even in 13 speed, the One-By world is a foolish game of compromise, and frustration always hunting for good cadence.

A close Cluster solves for that. This I suppose will all get resolved in the next 14 speed ovation.

To that extent, one could SRAM it uphill with their bone stock combo's, or roll a GRX set-up -- But when the road plateaus out, you will always crave that mythical gear in-between the ones you actually have. Such as Fourteen.

Lest we mention back-pedaling.  In every event this year with a steep descent... Those young ONE-BUY kidz rolling in their smallest cog, made the mistake of pedaling backwards on the coast, and threw their chain. Depending on free-hub drag, you mag bury and wrap the chain in the stay. Yikes!

If you buy a Classified rear two-speed hub, you will adore the variety, but you still don't really want that small 40-42 ring up front. Classified gets you into 2X simply, but having owned a few sets, the rolling drag, and shifting performance is Shitty; Shimano or SRAM.

13 Speed two-by with a broad range cluster in baby-steps is my answer.

Campy makes these short steps in spinning cadences quite brilliant in their new 13 speed Gruppo. 

But even on Campy's last SR foray (called SRW), their gearing was brilliant. They now also make

a 1X [one-buy] / 13 for those so inclined, and the extra gear helps a ton.

But 1x is for those who only want one bike to rule them all, such as my brother, and of course for pussies and for "Down-Country", and NOT for Tarmac.

The Study of Ergonomics, is not as simple as adding buttons everywhere... It is a process of sculpting and refinement, and it astonishes me just how good it has become.  

Shifting Ergonomics are the main reason that I'm publishing this page entry.

The Shifting in the new Campy Kit, is nearly as smooth as SRAM and Shimano, meaning that it is still Campy, and adding another gear and a narrower chain, would in theory make the transitions smoother than 12 speed, but -- Well it's Campy. So there is still a bit of a Ka-Chunk! in a few modalities.  Perhaps that's owing to my technical acumen.  Where this kit really shines, is the ergonomics.

After My hand and ribs were broken in a crash caused by a distracted driver, and I'd learned that even wiping with my left was daunting... I was hopeful that my first recovery ride would be a bit easier with my new kit.  It was.

Campagnolo SR13 HOODS ARE SIMPLY as close to perfect as Cycling has evolved, thus-far. The buttons may take a few rides to customize to whatever modality works best for you, BUT, the button layout and actuation is bliss.

The "Thumb Paddle" is reachable from the [...well], "Thumb", but also it is easy to actuate from the Deep Drops with a wrapped index or ring finger., These "Paddles" are just as useful gripping right under the hoods in a climbing sprint stance, as a natural slacker hood head-up position.

The Bonus Button out front on the inner hoods is a nearly perfect placement. The actuation is positive and subtle, and these can be set-up anyway you like, so If you seldom use your small chainring, you can mock the paddles, or set the left for up the cassette and the right for down. 

This is also my set-up.

Right Paddle is Down the block, and the right thumb is up, while the Left Paddle goes to Bigger gears, and the thumb to smaller up front.  This seems to be the best analog to Both SRAM and Shimano such that I don't have a tough time committing all of these six buttons to muscle memory.

Shifting is consistent, fast, and relatively quiet for Campy. An occasional Ka-Chunk isn't disconcerting and is perhaps the ONLY bit of Nostalgic Campy in the kit. The Rest just works and the gear ratios are near perfect. This is where Shimano are heading with their 13 speed, and so we will see how that lands, when they release theirs.

In the best sense of the adage... The Campy 13 raises the bar for both shifting, and cadence.  In a 1X cluster, if you want a 14 T then you are out of luck, and I cannot express how frustrating most 1X are for epic rides.  I seem to always want to be in a gear that I don't have even when climbing.

Two Brilliant articles, both [point and counterpoint] from "VELO" Outside on "ONE-BUY" and "Two-By" are clever sales pitches which seem more aligned with Brand allegiance than with facts. But I totally agree with Logan Jones-Wilkins that, "YOU CAN TAKE MY FRONT DERAILLEUR WHEN IM DEAD"

IMHO 1X (pronounced ONE-BUY) is best for Mountain, "Down-Country" (whatever the fuck that is), and Super-Gnar-Gravel "Off of the road", but unless you have a Classified System... Then you will despair not having Two-By on tarmac.

Anyway, my Campy kit is geared for both 1x and 2x, and could easily sail through cyclocross this Autumn in 2x. The rear mech has what they call a Nano-clutch, and is engineered for gravel, and 1X, but is not the so called "X" version.

The "X" stands for pure gravel and is a unique crossover version, which I don't need, and wont be discussed here, simply because I don't have it.

Whereas some of the young kids ONLY know ONE-BUY, and will ONLY BUY what the internet tells them to get.  SRAM Pounced on a market gap, and simplified things simply because they couldn't initially get their front mech to shift. Later they purged their closet and with a clean sheet of paper and the help of some automotive engineers, they made their way in a world dominated by Shimano. 

Suffice to say that Campagnolo Super Record 13 Wireless is rather cool.

Say what you will about quirky Italian Design, and Form over function, but the New Campy nails it. The shifting with a broken hand, and the broad body positioning afforded by their hoods ergonomics are nearly enough to threaten the competition.  Whereas it is also true that their shit works great, and the set-up was simple and straightforward -- The New Campy is a brilliant (cheaper) alternative to the other two.  I'd say that if you roll into the mix, their trademark oozing sexy design, and a legacy of innovation, formerly stymied by lack of investment, or lost focus... The new Campy is nearly perfect, and it has that boutique feel of something which other's don't have.  Like owning a Leica or seeing a band in a bar well before they went double platinum.  Yes, I'm being smug, but I'm glad that Campagnolo have found their way back.  I suppose I'm also glad that Pinarello, [another arguably polarizing Italian brand accused of form before function], have recently take a minority stake in Campagnolo's growth plans.  ...And that it's NOT UAE Blood-Oil Money. See also Cycling's greater acquiescence, or Colnago's

It has not been since the 90's that Campy have paddled out deep, and  taken the first wave, rather than merely responding to their competition.

Bravissimo!

Campy's new marketing is slick, and deserved:

IN EVERY SHIFT, DETAIL, RIDE, EMOTION, PEDAL STROKE, CHALLENGE OVERCOME, CURVE TAKEN, HILL CONQUERED, GRAM SAVED, TEST REPEATED, DREAM PURSUED, TRADITION RESPECTED, INNOVATION INTRODUCED, SOLUTION ENGINEERED, LIMIT EXCEEDED, SECOND GAINED, WATT TRANSMITTED, FEEDBACK VALUED, COMPONENT PERFECTED, AMBITION SHARED.

WE DO ONE MORE.

It's shorter, better, and more exciting, but perhaps too obscure to catch fire.  Why?  What's with The Men?

Beside the fact that viewing a foreign program on an American TV,  requires a King's-Ransom, and some tenacious effort and complex button pressing -- It should be noted that The TDF Feminine was magnificent, and should have cast a glow upon many more dark living rooms -- Than it had.  I believe one reason is that we raise children to worship males and male athletes, in particular.  We even pour money on Tattooed Male Chefs building them into cult heroes even celebrities, while ignoring Julia Child, and Martha Stewart.  In fact we've jailed Martha for being successful, (e.g. Insider Trading}, while venerating wide-spread theft at a Trillion dollar scale with a white male Government run by fragile pussies. The point perhaps -- Is that there are two types of kids.  Those who chose to stick close to MOM and hang on her coat-tails, shopping, cooking, helping around the house, making the occasional bed, learning to do laundry which was not their own, and even folding it properly... And then there are kids who were won over by Dad's desire to re-live their childhood failures through their son's inevitable atonement in sports, and such.  Sympathetic Functional and Prepared -vs- Chauvinistic, Tough-guy, Manly-men stuff, like skiing a double black at Six, and Washing down a runny-egg  Bacon-Double with a Tequila shot at Eight or Nine.   

Not everyone watches the Femmes, nor Women's Basketball. And regardless of how compelling or how much more exciting the competition may be... Some things won't catch on, because men are fragile pussies, and need constant affirmation  to maintain control over their Lay-Z-Boy Throne. And the ONLY thing to view from that perspective are sweaty Men in tights with grease marks under their eyes, or thick thighs in short shorts.  Perhaps Women's Tennis gets some air-play, but the salaries remain many Zeros short, and their big final always finishes B4 the Men's Final..  

My friends with children (boys mainly) are really wrapped up with Male role models and as such they raise their Boys to venerate Men, Manly Stuff, Male Sports Heroes, Male Musicians, and Male Inventors, disparaging women [MOM's] as inferior, or in the least far less interesting and competent at stuff..

I suppose that's all rather normal, and Norms are rather comfortable if dark, TV lit spaces where the shades are always drawn. In Fact... The venerated "MAN-CAVE" has no true Feminine analog. 

Having watched a good deal of Olympics, Skate-Boarding, X-Games, Tennis, as well as main-stream lay-mo sports with my friends and their families -- One constant has always been a penchant to change the station, whenever too many females are sweating, winning, and doing too well. "Where are my tightly-clad hunk male role models Daddy?"  These Women are soooo Boooring"

What happened to the Patriarchy's ability to chill the fuck out and be comfortable with Men riding in the back seat?  Me personally, would rather tinker and waste countless hours on my glowing thing than to drive across a state.  It's stupid really to insist that I could somehow "Do It Better".  Because ... How pray tell would I drive more successfully or safely than my spouse?  (Yep I have a Spose and NOT a "Partner").  I also say totally un-couth shit which offends younger people who remain aghast at my insolence. 

Fuck Them.  Fuck you! all of you pussies. ... Just NOT those with Pussies, because that shit is Magic.

Be cool to your Mother, respect your sister, if you are luckily enough to have one and Watch and Cheer for Women's success, because if you dont... Then YOU are a total twat.  

"It Has to come from your Toes"  -MVDP

Thank You Mathieu Van Der Poel for digging deep on Sunday.

You are back on my Christmas card list.

​...I take back anything bad I may have said about your Tacky Richard Mille.

The Vuelta is Yours if you even want it still. 

Anyway, Thanks.

See you in September.

If you knew the day, the time, and the way you were going to die, what would you change right now? Some whack-tastic experimental treatment? Sex-change?, Boob-Job? ...a Bavarian Nudist colony?, Sky-dive?, Fly to Mars, Eat nothing but Waygu, and French Ice-cream? Steal a plane and land it on the white-house ball-room?

Bet it all on a single Race? 

If I've got a hard time getting my cycling friends to listen to "The Cycling Podcast", how the fuck could anyone get Non-Cyclists to wear a thong, paint themselves green, & run through the Tour De France Crowd? Even if you still don't know what "Off-Sides" means, you can cheer for the world cup.

​In Futbol There will be upsets, because players can't be choosey who they challenge.  

**[DISCLAIMER: Tadej Pogačar is an amazing Athlete, and NOT at all like Lance Armstrong... as far as I know but he is bad for Cycling as a "Sport"]

​

As Usual, I have no Idea what I'm talking about, ...But the current TDF is a fucking bore, [SPOILER ALERT], There will be no upsets this year. No Underdog story, No Podium Upsets, No Mystery -- In short, No Joy.  It's a repeat.  ...Unless a Titan is dethroned by a crash, its a re-run.

Groundhog day. Even if Number two breaks his collar bone, the outcome is still assured. A messianic annunciation of one uber-mensch. Sorry Del Toro.

Friends of the sport, and hostiles alike just can't get any joy from a race where the outcome is assured. The Tour De France is bad break-up sex without orgasm. A reminder that you should have kept your zipper up.

Sure there are exciting moments, Like when Focaccia lets a team-mate win a stage or two.

It's death in straight sets, A 5 - Nil soccer score. 

When someone else wins the time trial, it's just to make things seem fair. But scattering some obstacles under the Monster-Truck is ONLY for the fan's satisfaction of splintering wood, and crushed barrels. The Monster-Truck is unstoppable, brutal, stinky, but it's not a sport.

Ignoring sports-washing by Gulf States. Ignore the Ads for  Lux Duty-Free Shops, masquerading as Desert Spas, There are no happy endings out back. 

"Please come to our Disney-esque water-parks in an impossible oil-desert". We'll manage the kids, dad gets a rub and tug, while we empty mommy's account. Today's TDF is chugging de-sal pumps burning dinosaurs into blue water to fill swimming pools, But it's NOT amazing. It's 3D printing saddles, and bespoke carbon one-offs, but it's ignoring the sport.  For sport to exist, we need athletes, and fans in a careful balance. If you can ignore $25,000. bikes,  Poop-Transplants, Uber tacky Ricard Mille's, McLaren's, and the Monaco jet-set... What is a race for Third-place worth to you? Are we really so fanatical that we prefer Kings, Tsars, and Caesars over Art, Craft, Adventure, and Underdogs? Do we want to see our favorite band at an intimate club show?, or a Stadium Tour?

Relax, You cant afford this.

Suspend your disbelief, and embrace the UAE as the world's largest cruise ship, selling obscure Daytona's, Vuitton, Stainless Colnago's, and Patek's at the gift shop. When you disembark  .0001% of attendees can afford the souvenir scarf or mug. As if it were not difficult enough to get your friends to watch a single stage of the TDF with you -- This race holds nothing but heartbreak. Other teams are holding bake sales to buy innertubes, and taking neutral support bikes to cut costs, while Oil Barons fix the fight by SMS.

We now have a void of competition. A single outcome.  A surety that money talks and everyone else could either pander a Gulf state for an allowance, or sit on their fucking hands. There are NO underdogs, No surprises, No magical thinking which will change the outcome. Competitors will struggle and suffer as in any real race, but they wont podium.    These are indeed strange times. ​

So why Bother?

When will it end? When will the Yankee's stop winning? When will Jonas just say "Fuck This" Tumble over his handlebars, and retire?  Why are we doing the Lance  Dance all over again?  I'm not suggesting that Focaccia is cheating, I'm suggesting that the struggle of teams to make ends meet as compared with boundless wealth pumped like Crude from the Emirate's means that whomever of your "Favorite Rider" -- Everyone else will remain a "Runner-Up".  This is the TDF. If you don't sign with a Sultan, then you are the "Bad News Bears", (a sweet talent-show) -- unbound for Broadway.  You will need to play dirty for airplay.

What gets me, is everyone fawning over the incumbent as though THE GOLDEN BOY KING, is good for pro cycling?

​HOW, Pray Tell?

Let's have a snack, and protract our myopic narrow-minded opinionated vitriol into the broader world of sport.  When Men's Swimming surrounded a single web-handed giant, all comers either pissed the pool, or exhausted themselves as runner-up.  Nobody else won, and American's ordained their athletic anomaly as Messiah.  Ironically, it's hard for a swimmer to sell Nike, so Phelps sells Underwear and Spas.
When Nadal was at his Zenith, every contender showed up merely for their thrashing. 
When Shawn White hit the Bowl, Couched fans hit their bowl, shot-gunned a Coors Light and took a piss, No clapping, just another 2160 -- The outcome was assured.
When Lance raced, American's stoked a small fire which would expand cycling to record sales, sell some Treks, and then crash like a blimp.
When Lance reluctantly quit the dope he struggled to reinvent himself as the same toxic Male, but now criticizing everything but sponsored sports drinks & tech bros.
Lance, the fraud is sipping tea with Greg Mortenson.

His basement bully pulpit, spartan, A musky pundit for angry white males nursing a grudge. 

For any film-maker, building audience suspense is a full time job. IF your pal spoils the surprise ending... Then the thrill is gone, because you know what to expect.

"Oh, Hey!... I've seen this one"  ...It's a Re-Run. Everyone tries to catch this guy, and some crash hard, but in the end he sweeps everything.  Is that Sport, or slaughter? Is it fun waiting for him to break the record and retire, so other riders can have a swing? I've already seen this one... He betters the current record and then steps down gently to ease out of his day job -- Retiring with a Gulf Stream, and a Calatrava.

It's a Re-Run!

Why bother, Yawn!... when you know the outcome?  Why pour another box of Cocoa Puffs and sink into the couch, If you know the ending? "These Days", watching SNL waiting for the skit to land an actual joke, is a quarterly affair at best. We've devolved into stale Trump Impersonations, Country-Pop musical acts, and Sleepy Colin Jost.

Mbappe', Messi, Novak, Woods, The Fucking Yankees... are not all bad for sport, mostly because they don't cherry pick their challengers. When Focaccia choses to miss the Giro, or Vuelta, I'm tuning in for the duration.

We watch the TDF as though Pogacar is a Rabbit pacing greyhounds around a track.  "While the children adore him"... I see him as a tacky stickered pace car, all Ricky-Bobbied out, leading teams to the flag.

So now we wait for the GOAT to break all the records, and burn up in the sun. As with Lance, we can then get back to bike racing.

Mark My words, there will be a crash, and Pogacar will go down -- Perhaps even this year.  Maybe if he competes in the Vuelta, he will go down around day 7 and free up some space for an underdog or two -- Or a whole GC full of awesome talent. This will be an amazing day for the sport, and a barrage of sour grapes and tearful blame will rain down.

So Siexas sleeps. Sitting out a year or two, until a gap opens.  Why not fantasize? Why not imagine a game where anyone can win?, Even a French guy.

Because without some imagination, the game is lame, The outcome is assured, and teams are systematically dismantled for lack of funding.

Yawn!

By the rules, UCI cycling is unwittingly pushing people toward Gravel, and Epic Races such as Unbound, Cape Epic. Rogues, and Privateers fill the void, because while the TDF has great food, beautiful scenery, and good wine, the theater is empty. Clap for the underdog.

This movie is re-run of a stale sequel.

Independence Day celebrates the freedom to make bad fucking choices.   
​"happy fourth!"