Cyclists Are Assholes Part 1

                                True or False ?

J: ..."Hey!, You Guys have any interest in doing this Italy group ride near Lake Como this year?, It's linked here." 
M: "Oh, I'm totally down for that ride, Count me in."
P:   "I only have Leadville on my Calendar, so except for that, I'm available."
M: "I'd like to make a stop in Bergamo, for a night or Two, a few Factory tours, also let's hit the Stelvio."
P:  "OK, Cool I'm totally in for that trip."
C:  "Stelvio, For Sure, I have nothing on my calendar. The Stelvio is probably the one climb I most want to ride in the whole world."
M: "I'm absolutely game to do it too, but bear in mind that cyclists have to contend with 911's and GP Bikes. 
P: "OK, for sure, But they have a Stelvio "Bike-Day" , where it's closed except for bikes".
M: "Perfect, Although that ride would be a bit like the first climb on the Triple Bypass., A glut of crowded old cyclists, Peeling the wheat from the chafe."
​
J: "Yep, Maybe we do a sanctioned ride, like the Eroica, or the Santini Stelvio ride."

C: "I might rather take my chances with super cars, and motos, than a ton of cyclists.  I hate cyclists. 
P: "Agreed!, I think that would suck."
​
C: "Cyclists are assholes."

P: "Dickheads for sure"

M: W...Wa, Wait... I'm a cyclist, right?

J: "You are a cyclist?"

​P: "Assholes"

Relax! this is not a quiz where any opinion rendered would shake the tenet that in fact Cyclists fit perfectly into the skin-suit of "Asshole" So, why has that skinny dude jacked on Scratch, Testosterone, and Retro-Grouch kit-opinions become the high-school sporto you'd most feared back when? Mean wheelmen have seemingly joined some Kavanaugh Frat, and now police your bike lane, spouting unyielding "Rules" to the lay public.
     What is it about Lycra, which transforms ordinary humble men into
                          "The Boys"? 
​      (A fictive dark anti-super hero series where bad motive runs deep)

The beauty of a group text among friends which can bring real cyclists together for a vacation trip to Lake Como, is that there are literally NO ASSHOLES on bikes in Italy, (...unless mr. underpants decides to leave his basement hole that week). 
                                            Are cyclists really Assholes?
Are all anti-hero cycling Assholes part of the new normal; shaming the sanctuary of our Beautiful Sport with middle fingers, and expletives?  Why are cyclists so easily type-cast as dickheads?, Jag-offs?, & Assholes? Is "Asshole" the end game of a life-long passion for the bicycle?  We will have a look at all of this.
        This crappy blog holds a shallow dive into the ethos of what you may have inadvertently become, when you get too snug into that padded jumper. 
​      Here is to hoping that you and others can find a way out of  your 'assholedom'.

NOBODY IS COMING TO DIG YOU OUT, MR. LONESOME

Velominati Rule Number [42]:, (from "The Rules") A bike race shall never be preceded with a swim and/or followed by a run.
"...If it’s preceded with a swim and/or followed by a run, it is not called a bike race, it is called duathlon or a triathlon. Neither of which is a bike race. Also keep in mind that one should only swim in order to prevent drowning, and should only run if being chased. And even then, one should only run fast enough to prevent capture."

What we all know to be true, is that when most dudes fueled with carbohydrates, caffeine, & testosterone, straddle the wheel... then everyone up ahead or left behind is a "fucking asshole".  That everyone who rides a bike is an asshole is certainly not true.  But, the skeleton of an asshole tends to dress itself in lycra, and then the knit gloves come off. Asshole is to cyclists as grime to a chain. What then happens biologically turning mild-mannered accountants, and real-estate brokers into raging assholes upon bike.  What photosynthesis bewitches  lycra as it is exposed to daylight?  Is it the fate of every cyclist to aspire to rage against the humble commuter, or to berate the fixie gangs? Does society assign special powers to Alpha-Male Cyclists to police their roads, and trails? Is it inevitable that the deeper you go -- the deeper you get? Will they even recognize their transformation from mere mortal to double-douche-bag?
Will they recognize the metabolic changes from Trainer milk-toast to Dark-Prince of Protein Powder?
Once indoctrinated, can anyone even leave the (asshole) cult? What can we learn from their metamorphosis from Nice Guy with a bike, into evil uber-mensch? Is there black magic in the Velominati Rules, which predict a snarky bad outcome... an end-game?
        Are we all doomed?, or just some with a genetic marker for it?

Back When It Was Fun.

As If the Spin Wheels Didn't Say It All

"...And he used to be so sweet and kind", (Great Guy Really), "and then he started scorning everyone for Half-wheeling".  "He just went mad with demands to pull longer", and to "Harden the Fuck Up". The venom is most assuredly born of these modern times.  It is a step-child of our modern condition to blame everyone for dumb-shit beyond our control. It is because we feel out of control.  It is a psychic break-down, to go from gleeful kid coasting down-hill on a glittery banana-seat to dark lord in a banana-hammock donning a lycra onesie.   First, It is fair to mention that even if a cyclist were to hang-up the tire sealant and their Helmet -- And then ride only in one's pain-cave, that they will still be an asshole, and then perhaps even more people will become infected. This is because 'ass-holery' is a projection every bit as portable and hideous Indoors as it is Out in nature.  In fact, it's likely that the word "Asshole-Cyclist" was forged and hardened in the crucible of internet cycling.  ...And Internet cycling is (of course) NOT Cycling, but it still makes otherwise cool people, look rather bad.  Behaving badly is now the job of some wasteful spin-off from the Velominati. 
The hardened Asshole is likely within you, real, and inevitable, IF:
1. Cycling struck you at a later age, (let's say 31) and the Bicycle became your Mid-life convertible sport's car. (Now perhaps you own several).
2. One is an Only-Child who flamed-out at Team-sports like Soccer, and Lacrosse, (in-spite of your parents coaching), you warmed that bench for years.
3. You are the individual who used to swear by 26" Mavic CrossMax, White Industries, & Ringle' on your GT Zaskar.
​4. You paid full price for any Troy-Lee jersey prior to 1998.
5. If Hydration Packs and Fannie Packs were both worn together, ever.
6. If You'd owned Green, Grey, or Orange Tioga Psycho Tires.
7. You wear Oakley's upside-down or backwards on the brim of your ball cap; Or even reversed protecting your Man-Mullet.
8. You have ever owned an Oldsmobile?
9. You get your protein from Durian, and Peas.
10. Your first bike came new with a gel saddle and 30-degree stem.
11. You Wear "100%" brand(ed) anything.

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SUPER-CUSTOM 'TOOL' BIKE WITH THE VENERABLE MAVIC CROSSMAX

Relax! we can find you help with your affliction.  But re-education will only work when you recognize  that you've gone way too far. You can remain a cyclist, but perhaps you were actually meant to ride stationary and indoors on Zwift or Peloton, and NOT on the real tactile paved road. Afterall Zwift is where trolls go for exercise. You will still be a giant pain in everyone's ass there, but nobody will (literally) get hurt. There is help for you Online, and at your lame-o cafe or club-house.
BUT.., If  your version of a "Gravel Bike is a Down-country Yeti or Stump-jumper -- Then you are hopeless,  (just saying). Give up and go back to frisbee golf, or cut the mullet and wander down to pickleball, you can keep the Oakley's.
Most of the antics which cast the vote toward your being an actual (On-Bike) asshole come from your riding antics.  You are a relentless jag-off on the road spouting expletives, riding like a petulant child. Your man-throttle in one hand, and the other on Jolt-Cola and Twizzlers. You are perpetually angry, and you yell a lot. 
                                                         So, Perhaps try a bell.
Sure we all run the stop-signs and we all dis-obey signals, but at our own peril.  We share the same roads and rules as huge steel coffins, and if you are inconvenienced by a car, or another cyclist, then that is likely on you.  You are a 100% fuck-tard, because you believe that you are performing the lead role in some Mansplain Movie, where you are revealing "the rules" to the un-initiated.  And, of course, you believe that most rules do not apply to you.  The fact is that you will meet your match, and will soon simper like a babe, at the wreckage when it happens.   You may either recover well, or you will damage someone else -- And neither is alright. So slow the fuck down and make good decisions, but above all, live an let live. Ride by yourself and leave other's un-corrupted by your testicular man-rage.  The literal worst thing you can do, besides cause a crash, is to ruin the ride for another super amateur.
                         ... AND OH, STOP INVENTING COOL GUY HAND SIGNALS
The road and the bike lane are not your private driveway, and they need to be respected, and shared for this whole "bike thing" thing to work-out.  We all recall that one self-appointed 'King of Texas Cycling' and he came from that mystical skin-suit colonic-club called the Triathlon.  Running from others, and Swimming in frothy pools of conceded manhood.  He couldn't escape his own gravity, and had to Cheat to keep up his status.  And, even that d-Bag has not been forgiven for his Ass-holiness". When I finish the definitive book on cycling genus, and need an illustration for "Asshole-Cyclist" it's either you or that guy filling that plate. They say that a Fraternity is forever, and anyway, you get to pick only one.  If you are already in the "A-Hole" club, then climb-aboard your basement  VR Rig, and remain there -- Lest you be outed, or worse... Ruin cycling for everyone.
                       Your crash will be your fault exclusively.
​

"...Just Two More Minutes!, I'm Nearly Done With MY I.V. Drip"