We grew up saying things which now make us seem way way stupid to today's youth. AND THATS JUST FINE, BECAUSE ANALOG IS ACTUALLY DEAD, and who really gives a fuck about the future, or it's kids... The most iconic phrases to show how stupid we experienced persons are being are: "I should tape that", "Did you tape that", "They left you a message, did you listen to the tape?" "Did they get his confession on tape"" I'm listening to a great Book on tape..."BUT "TAPE" is so much more than a pejorative to point and stare while scorning elders. There is so much more to it than (just) "OLD Fucker" Nostalgic language. 'Tape' is a Verb true, and it is a whole fuck-ton of Nouns... literally a bizarre carnival of other far more whacky & complex inventions. And "TAPE" beats the fuck out of basically all other inventions. "I know you didn't listen to my Mix-Tape, because if you had, you wouldn't be breaking up with me." Sure there is that shit you use to poorly wrap that one last minute, (OH SHIT, are they here already) Gift. There's nearly a gazillion uses for plain ordinary scotch tape, but before you think too hard about those... I give you: "BUBBLE TAPE" which is nearly impossible to imagine as named, (if you are over 11 years old). This is because most first imagine Bubble Wrap (the kind some people pop when nervous), attached to some sort of long adhesive strip, When (Bubble Tape) [it] is actually a long flat strip of chemicals which produce a Pink strip that kids actually eat, and chew like gum. Thank you WM Wrigley. It is no surprise that the inventor of a Floor Wax brand would promo his wax products with a free pack of gum, and later birth an un-cut pink gum that kids would find ever clever, and cool. It's mostly cool because of it's way cool pink package promising gum by the linear foot... Go ahead and pull with your mouth as much as you can fit, and still chew. Tape: a linear strip coated with an adhesive, magnetic material, or even bubble gum flavor -- Is (perhaps) the most respected invention of all human endeavor. Veneration for a popular version has reached celebrity or even royal notoriety even in it's humblest of forms. Just where would this fractured fucked up world be without being able to stick shit together easily. We literally fix shit with tape. Duct Tape made not only sealing ducts simpler, but it allowed hacks to work with sheet metal (or any materials) and compensate for their poor workmanship, By covering their mistakes, or even constructing sections with good tape, nearly any idiot could "fix" something. One time (True Story) sailing across the Atlantic in dead wind, we pulled out our Spinnaker. But, when we raised it, we'd quickly discovered a torn seam, which with a puff, began to run the length of its leading edge. (the important part) We applied Sail Tape at the seam, and soon realized the tear had run out. Expired Emergency sail tape was not up to this repair. Later we pulled the whole spinnaker through the port-hole. Wiping it clean on the nav-table, we applied overheated duct-tape for four hours. Our Duct-Tape Hack to get this sail back up and running downwind, was a huge success. The sail held together for four full days and nights, pulling us out of our doldrum with 6-8 knots, bridging our dead dead gap to the next puffy trade-wind, when we no longer needed it. To give too much credit to Tape as Noun or as Verb, as a Medium for Repair, or as Chewing-Gum, is literally impossible. There is no child in America who has not used tape since infancy. In fact the tape tabs on disposable diapers literally held your shit together well before you knew what you were doing down there. Smile now, it's true you rely upon tape... But we adults are now at a crossroads, and we may be all out of the good stuff. Gift giving is completely swaddled in tape for every single holiday and celebration. It is also true that every single carton delivered by beleaguered delivery drivers are held together by tape. While the list of what can be fixed with "Magic Tape", (a 3M brand) may be longer than that which we cannot repair. Tape Cannot hold the universe together when Half of it's people want it to come apart. Vendetta politics is why people no longer enjoy each-other's company, Because it is not what Trump has accomplished that his supporters expect, but the vengeance he exacts upon their so called enemies which they applaud. It is a Daily "Pro Wrestling" Match where make-believe tough-guys exact revenge against imaginary clowns. His narrative first invents the enemy, and then sends them into the ring to spar. It is a Circus. And what is a circus without clowns? As Juvenal said, "Give them bread and Circuses and they will not revolt. Tape cannot fix stupid, so you had better Vote. Watergate became a favorite for those eager do-gooders to record our criminal president doing naughty things... But while naughty tapes still exist, the truths they reveal about ex-Presidents certainly don't matter any longer. For what it's worth, TAPE was once used to destroy bad politicians and celebs with unseemly recordings of crimes caught (well) "ON TAPE". Remember the Access Hollywood 'TAPES'...? They no longer matter. Whereas justice used to be held by TAPE -- Justice is just another fabrication -- Like a craft project. But while naughty tapes still exist, the truth tapes reveal about ex-Presidents certainly don't matter any longer, Because the people want vengeance, and they want circuses, not facts and smart vegans. As far as history goes, TAPE accounts for so much of it, that the super fuck'd internet is still playing catch-up with this Analog O.G. Unlike the original which was real, tangible, and honest... The Internet is fake, and vacuous. Unlike the posters in your bedroom which you can touch -- The internet is featureless. It's 'Fucking TAPE Man', and it's so fucking awesome that Nobody even matriculated pubescence without being birthed through a bedroom wall of taped up posters boasting a favorite celebrity crush, a swimsuit shot, or some Seriously cool hair. INXS, STYX, The FIXX & Tupac (???), and even The Jam, lined the walls which have now been plastered-over to seal the historic record of one's teen edifice. What is the super cool NET benefit of every single roll of cellophane tape and the Posters they mounted? It is the instancy. Immediate satisfaction in "posting" who you support, and idolize. We used to post signs to "keep Out" for a yard sale, and for tow zones. In fact one could argue that the term "POST" legitimately came into being because of TAPE. "You wont really have to pack that Internet return with twine any longer" Well.., Perhaps that began with Martin Luther and a nail, or thumb-tack... But the very term "POST" was post-modern, and born by tape for the past century. Don't get me started with Post-it notes. When you young fuckers were still 65 years away tape was solving the worlds problems. Now it's all... "Be Patient Lady" "You wont really have to pack that Internet return with twine any longer". (whew! what a chore) You could simply grab some tape. But tape cant fix that, Can It? "On the One". "On the One"., Hit the snare on the One, roll vocals on the second track... In fact, 2-track, 4-Track, Bass Track, 8-Track, and nearly every great track that built our online music archive began it's life on magnetic TAPE. Not to mention every important Demo Film, Movie Pilot, and way cool Demo cassette, from The Smiths, The Cure, & U2, to The Replacements, & Prince. Cassette TAPE made that magic happen. What about the endless accolades owed to TAPE is humble. House Painting is humble, but even this and Murder investigations, are guided by tape. Whereas Caution tape, and that K-stuff you put on your leg because you shouldn't be running like that anyway -- Are cautionary. The kind of tape needed for nearly any task is readily available, reasonably priced, and soo convenient. Keeping some handy, Blue Tape to paint, Package tape to return those ugly shoes, and duct tape to patch your space capsule, makes TAPE one of human endeavors most useful tools. Plain variety in the household means that at any given time the average family stocks more Tape than aging hot sauces in their fridge. We have 3M to thank for most of these variations on the same theme. Here is a short list of miracles: Aluminum tape Thin aluminum foil, coated on one side with a heat-resistant adhesive. The side coated with adhesive is prevented from sticking together with wax paper. Autoclave tape Adhesive tape used in autoclaving. Bondage tape Adheres to itself without using sticky adhesives; this tape is used in bondage. Box-sealing tape Pressure-sensitive, used for sealing corrugated boxes. Adhesive is usually coated on a polypropylene or polyester film. Commonly 48 mm (1.9 in) or 72 mm (2.8 in) wide. Carbon Tape Repairing defective conductor on printed circuit boards Fixing glitch rear windscreen heater Alternative to soldering, if heat can damage electrical component Making ‘Faraday Cage’ to protect sensitive electrical instruments from electromagnetic radiation SEM (scanning electron microscopy) applications to prevent electrostatic charge developing in the surface Double-sided tape This tape has adhesive on both sides, and is used to stick two surfaces together. Duct tape Usually gray in color, this tape is backed with scrim, often coated with rubber or plastic. Elastic therapeutic tape Also known as "K tape" and "kinesiology tape", it is an elastic-cotton strip backed with acrylic adhesive. It is used for treating athletic injuries and various physical disorders. Electrical tape Used to insulate electrical wires. Commonly made of black PVC (polyvinyl chloride, "vinyl"), but available in a variety of colors. Filament tape High-strength packaging tape made of polypropylene or polyester film, with fiberglass filaments embedded along the length. Floor marking tape Heavy duty floor tape used for marking areas on a floor such as in industrial warehouses. Friction tape Tape made of cloth which has been impregnated with a rubber-based adhesive, used mostly to increase grip or friction. Gaffer tape Used in the theater, film and television industry, this tape is used to secure cables to keep them out of the way, or to hide them from view. Gorilla Tape A trademarked brand of heavy duty duct tape. Hockey tape Used for cushioning and grip on polo mallets, ice hockey, roller hockey, and lacrosse equipment. Hook-and-loop tape A hook-and-loop fastener with adhesive backing. Kapton Used in electronic manufacturing as an insulation and protection layer on electrostatic sensitive and fragile components. Lingerie tape Also called "cleavage tape", "fashion tape", or "tit tape", this double-sided adhesive tape is used to keep clothing in place. Masking tape Used in homes and industry, this paper tape is used for masking areas. It is also used to smooth seams that will be painted over on temporary pieces. Nano tape Also called "gecko tape", this tape is composed of arrays of carbon nanotubes and has directional adhesion properties. It can grip a load in one direction and release its grip when the direction of force is reversed. Road surface marking tape Preformed polymer tapes that can be applied permanently or temporarily to the pavements to create road surface markings. Scotch Tape A 3M brand name for a wide variety of office and industrial tapes. Security tape A tape with special tamper indicating features. Self fusing silicone tape A non-tacky tape which when stretched and wrapped around cables, electrical joints, hoses and pipes will amalgamate itself into a strong seamless rubbery, waterproof, and electrically insulating layer. Sellotape A British brand name, a general-purpose clear home and office tape. The name is often used as a generic term for similar tapes in the UK. Speed tape Used on aircraft, this aluminized tape is designed to remain in place in high winds. Spike tape This is a marking tape used in the theater, film and television industry to mark areas on a stage for actors. Wound closure strip A medical tape (3M trademark). Surgical tape A medical tape. Stretch-release adhesive Adhesive type manufactured by 3M. Tear tape Allows for easy opening of fast-moving consumer goods. May also carry brand messaging, anti-tampering, and authentication technologies. Toupee tape Invisible double-sided tape used to attach hair pieces or to hold delicate fabrics against the skin. Reflective tape High-visibility adhesive tape with retroreflective sheeting. Thread seal tape Polytetrafluoroethylene (PTFE) film tape commonly used in plumbing for sealing pipe threads. Ultra-high-molecular-weight polyethylene tape This is the strongest and lightest dope ass tape for repairing some seriously broken shit, stopping squeaks, and protecting surfaces from wear and friction. Would you believe there is such a thing as "Bondage Tape" but still no tape for Stupid? Band-Aids (Yep that's TAPE)
Basically every injury recorded from birth to death was commemorated with a Band-Aid whether for a serious injury, burn, scrape, or simply as a symbol to ward off the psychological trauma. We are at a sad inflection point in history, where everything we thought was solid, and permanent begins to crumble and fall apart, and we have not invented a tape for that. Those who'll arrive with a tape gun, just after America's back-slide into chaos, will be remembered as having done too little, far too late. Tape as Remedy is discussed through History books, and in Graduate level Psychology Text Books, where learn'ed professors posit that what cannot be prevented, repaired, fixed, restored, posted, placated, protected, and improved using tape is likely not worth saving. In spite of how much tape we stock-pile, the awesome mix-tapes we record, and the demands we tape up on the door -- These are outmoded methods. Sociologists agree that Tape is merely a clever tool of human expression, and of repair. That Tape is both humble and audacious, venerated as a "do-All" It is a healer, and a remedy. Tape is a modern miracle, but it cant fix this Republic. They say that you wont know what you've got, until it's gone. Let's not pretend that we didn't see it coming. In a "Post-Tape Universe", where invented fictions, and pretend gripes will to wipe out our quiet comfort -- The loud fascist will always win. (It's just so much more entertaining.) Promises of vengeance, and retaliation on the Internet are the new Gladiator Battle. And anyone who can deliver a daily circus (Thank you Twitter) is delivering what the people want. Exacting revenge upon astute, educated, and comfortable nobodies, is so much fun to watch, and to talk about. Re-posting absurdity, makes the modern world spin. Making those college educated, liberals pay, is way entertaining. That half the universe has already forgotten what the grievance even was, matters little because we always have minorities, and toxic masculinity as a smoke screen, and immigrants as a scapegoat. Until the "adults in the room" can present a way-cooler story with daily guns, revenge killing, riots, and empire-building conquest-fantasies, (as compelling as Trumpism), then the clowns will continue to entertain our masses. Tape can fix just about anything, but not idiotic ideology. And, I would totally TAPE that if I could but ...alas TAPE cannot fix Stupid.
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