If A.I. were to replace anyone with a fake, it should perhaps be Weather Men.

Weather Anchors are already Fake People and what difference would it really make if they were replaced with a Deeper Fake.

What if they could actually predict the future? What would our fake future bring? 

We encounter many fake people in our social circles. Parties play out with very benign conversational fakery, which could be more meaningful, if only we could remember how to communicate.  

At events people love to talk about themselves, and most love to talk about work, sports, or weather.  Weather really?... Are we all that vacant that the only thing we could bond over is lamenting barometric pressure? Me, I never indulge the blase' dialog, because -- Who the Fuck wants to talk about "Why it has to rain", or [How] "You really admire your bosses boss"?

Inevitably, If I have to chat Baseball, then you should also have to discuss  Tadej's exit from the Vuelta, and the World's.  Seriously, If you have a pet, and you want to discuss that strange poop they had yesterday, I'd likely find that more interesting than Precipitation. Perhaps most people think everyone is stupid, But weather is only an ice-breaker for Fishermen and Farmers.

When someone asks you,  "WHAT YOU DO", [for work], they either want to hit you up for money later, or they want to frame their career in some sweet superlative -- So that you'll admire their advanced mid-level management position, and Omega Seamaster.

If your party friend is wearing Docker's, a Company logo'ed Patagonia fleece, a work polo, or ball-cap on-backwards, it's maybe time to excuse yourself for the bathroom. If they are wearing something edgy, perhaps Metallic Glitter-pants,  a cherished gen-one pair of filthy Vans, or even a Vintage "Husker Du" concert T, then they won't ask you benign party questions anyway.

Fake is what we do when we lack authenticity.

 And when fake bikes are finally outlawed..., then perhaps real 'Pedal Bikes' will be safe to ride again.

If your party chat enters a conversation about Bikes.., (right before you get too excited to chat...) your new friend may smile widely and start in with how they've recently come to own a new E-bike. [SIGH]...

So, Perhaps it's off to the bathroom to blow my brains out.

So you begin with:

"Oh really that's great, How do you like it? Does it have a throttle like a motorcycle, or a thumb lever to go super-fast in turbo mode?" 

"Yes!, it does have a super cool throttle and it goes like 40-something", they say with enthusiasm.

It seems that it was only two years ago when I brightly shared the optimism that, "...If an E-Bike gets more people on two wheels", and "that makes our city safer, and cleaner..." Then "I'm game." 

(Today, I foster no such optimism -- But despair for our future yet again.)

First of all, (you mumble),"E-Bikes are NOT really Bikes are they? They are something else now, perhaps"  -- "They are a resident evil, a scourge even"...  And so the conversation tumbles off a rough climb, and your new friend begins to pull away, with a hard gulp of shitty IPA.

So you  say something like: "The Evil-Bike wave will have a trough as deep as it's peak."  "Buried beneath this chasm will be a billion toxic batteries, a vast sea of wasted resources, and a city-wide garage sale, you continue". [And] "When the right and proper rich kid gets killed, there will be a posthumous senate bill named after them", "...and when evil bikes are finally outlawed..., then perhaps 'Pedal Bikes' will be safe to ride again."

E-Bikes are not Bikes, and the "E" is for Evil

"No!, What I meant was..." And then they slam their beer, and are off to the bathroom. 

After only a few years of accelerated growth in E-Bikes, I have come to mourn for our LiOn future. For the Safety of Marauding Kids screaming brushless-gears full-guns through spartan mall boulevards, across playgrounds, manicured lawns, and down "Bike Paths" -- Analogous adults tow kids to school on Throttle Dutchies running stops, precious progeny in tow, careless to the  outcome of impact with a 6000 pound SUV. It's as if the Hard Foam of ther Cargo-E-Bike Bin loaded with First-graders, will soften the impact.

Flipping off cars who don't yield to your cherished electric authority... as you blow every light to drop the kiddies at school, 

"...And, Fuck you, Rivian, You Eco Terrorist!" "I'm saving the planet".

It's been said that Power without control is suicide, and Horsepower without good brakes is as well.  But what has emerged is the vaunted E-Bike; A symbol of affordable freedom,  or rather the throttle bike your mother warned you about -- Is the Devil's doing. 

Most mothers would NOT allow their kid to ride a motorcycle while, "Living under my roof" -- And yet Most "good" Parents today have simply lost their minds hypnotized by the glowing hubris of a fully charged 70 volt Li-Poly  dildo.

Google Searches, such as: "Fast as Fuck E-Bike, that I Don't have to pedal",  "Most Bad-ass E-Bike", or "Fastest Throttle E-Bike ever" -- Yield strange Results not by Brands anyone has ever heard of, but by Marginalized Amazon Abominations.  Ads with AI generated Anglos' smiling and riding before sublimated back-drops of Mountain Ranges, and Lakes, will sell lazy fucks the latest 52 MPH Throttle Cycle as broken english: "Best depend Most great fancy going  eE-Machine good-getter." 

So where are you off to today on your motor-cycle Mr Eco-tourist faker? The Mall, The Arcade, Church, Brunch?

Save yourself the cost, and concussion and buy yourself one of those scale models of a Real Road Bike and set it on your desk so that you can imagine it framed by your window, out on a romantic ride where you moved your legs, and felt healthy again.  By doing this Zen exercise you will pocket the cash -- And [LETS FACE IT] you weren't really going to ride this E-bike anyways, you fucking "Eco Terrorist". 

Here is how this fling goes: 

1. You will take 72 hours to figure out how to assemble this POS, and another 32 to charge the batteries completely oblivious to what Torque spec means.
2. You'll lift up this abomination, gleaming with good intentions, placating yourself with delusions of leisure rides, and bar-crawls. 
3. Pull your back out heaving it over the threshold of your garage door, tearing your shins on the pedal, which you threaded backwards.
4. Pedal out to the beach, drain the entire battery in Turbo mode, get stranded with a 215 lb lead balloon.
5. Hire an Uber XL to get you home, struggling to get it into an Expedition. Struggle to get it back in the house.
6.  Lament your disastrous day out, nursing your jacked-up back, bruised shins and greasy hands.
7. Check the Return conditions, And swear to never ride it again.

Wait!, before you pull the trigger and order one of them, please refer to the dimensions. Check, and then re-check the scale, and make sure that the bike you are getting fits a Dwarf clown from the circus, and not a grown adult. Then Make sure that the Batteries are NOT sold separately, and that the whole bike weighs more than Three-X  your weight.  This way you can be sure to strand yourself deep into the wilderness when your batteries alight into a blazing green flash, and your balls actually catch fire.

Or better, the bike arrives via LTL freight carrier, and the teamster sets your pallet on the sidewalk and drives away before you realize the bike is only up to your knee, and the wheels are from a lawn-mower.

This way when you start delivering for door-dash, you'll have half of the uniform handled.

In My town they have finally passed some laws for E-Bikes and Scooters, which will of course change nothing and are completely un-enforceable.  It's still illegal to ride a Segway, but E-Bikes (and in particular throttle bikes) "Which can go over 36 mph" will require a license, and Insurance. All E-bikes are still welcome on all streets and Bike Lanes, regardless of their capabilities, but Kids under 16 can't get one if they can exceed  24 mph, unless of course their parents say it's OK. E-Bikes that exceed 50 Mph are not allowed on Bike Paths, but someone can ride 48 MPH on a throttle bike beside trikes, and my group ride wherever they wish.

And so, this is the best of times, and the end of times.

IT'S GOING TO BE AN AMAZING DAY! You will be tracking this delivery right up to your doorway, and every moment will be immersed with well considered selections of Lights, Bells, Rear-view mirrors, Helmets, Outfits, Shoe Selections, and even your "Fix-It" kit (which you will certainly not need, but definitely know exactly how to use), including that Crescent wrench. and Vice-Grips.

You will have a blast with your new E-Bike, right up to the moment when your throttle lever with a 2.5 newton meter torque spec slides under your only working brake lever jamming 1200 watts into "Non-Stop-Fun-Mode", -- and BAM!!! 

In relentless "Turbo Mode" you roll your last stop sign.