 It May Be That It's Best to Just Stay Home For Dinner  Free for the Brave Amuse Bouche Nearly every single vegetable despised as a child is now a fucking "small plate" served at the bar down the street. "Elevated" "Pub Fare". "Gastro". "Food-Centric". "Craft-Made". "Mom Inspired". "Farm-to-Table", "Saw-Dust" "Seasoned-Cardboard", "Genuinely-Bullshit", "Lunatic-Leaning", "Rather-Crappy", 'Way-Too-Salty', 'Freaky-Fried', High-Margin, ..Just-Plain-Shitty! My first premeditated civil disobedience epiphany materialized when I was 4 years old, at the dinner table. My defiant guerilla mission was to conceal my undesirable sodden vegetables carefully upon the filthy pull-out ledge just below our retracted dining table. I'm not sure how my siblings did it, but I simply could not eat the Brussel Sprouts we were served. My perfect crime of concealment came to me (like all bad ideas) as an infallible plan. Out of sight, out of mind -- Up from my fork to to rest just below the table -- and I'd immediately be back to playing with toys. I was soon found out, however, because I didn't calculate vegetable concealment a few feet leftward where my Brothers would be implicated. As it went, The Maître d' re-seated me as penance for my hunger strike, sitting for hours to smell and contemplate my crime at the table alone until well after the ten-o-clock news had ended . I did not win. What IS worse than a warm vegetable which you do not prefer -- Is the same vegetable four to five hours later covered with lint, wood-dust, and teak oil. "Don't do the crime if you cant spare the time" Don't do it. Today any astute adult-ish human may notice that all the crap-tastic vegetables which were reviled in ones youth are Couture Gastro-Pub fare today. If you visit your local bar today, you have many food options of course, but the pretense that the double fried Brussel Sprouts, or the singular "Vegetarian Option" of Beet Carpaccio, are actually the very same Vegetables you would have gladly sat out your parent's detention to avoid. The humble fried Potato now taking a back seat to an entire head of Fried Cauliflower, served with a ranch dip. As for the fool, and their money -- Parting company comes when a person briefly seeks a so called healthy post work-out alternative to nachos, only to find that the "Vegetarian" option is now 4X removed from the vegetable it had grown into. Vegetables are now brined and double deep fried in beef fat. The New Apps are a suitable alternative to the passe' offence of a Burger and Fries, but these are not the "Healthier Option". The reason for the move by Food service un-towards the ghost of their vegetable past, was (is) simple -- Your rejected childhood culinary health-plan, boiled and blanched Margarine slathered Marginalized garden glory turned to gore, was on the outs circa the bicentennial. All of those peripheral vegetables, would be siloed for the new kids on the block, who would soon be eating Hot Dogs, Hot Pockets, and Canned Soup casseroles . When America fell in love with TV Dinners, the writing was on the wall that what once resembled food would take a hiatus, or even go deep-six undercover on a Nepalese sabbatical for the foreseeable few decades. In 1978, "Food Service Distribution" was not yet a global empire thing. I'm rather sure The butcher and the Milk-man were still banging the "Maid". When I was a kid, the Food Paradigm began the seismic shift, at a time when Pub fare was still a Mixed-Nut machine with a 4o watt bulb, a bowling alley pizza drawer, and the occasional Friday night fish fry at the VFW. A generation would pass recipe cards for clever casseroles blended with Canned soups, shredded cheddar, and Boxed Mixes such as Hamburger Helper. Frozen Entrees would replace baked Chicken, and potatoes. Cordon Bleu would soon come home in cardboard.  $32.00  $26.50 Bright colored Jello Molds would decorate the defeated table of gray and gold has-been healthy options. For this you can blame college, and your Mom's returning to work, to pay for it. But it is also fair that the Food Pyramid posted upon every bulletin board was explicitly intended to upsell test-strips and insulin a short decade later. Of course nobody had updated that pictogram showing your diet becoming that of a baby cow. Grain and Corn. Nobody talked about the Good Fats, nor the Sodium, let alone the sugar, and the Sweeteners. Everybody simply succumbed to the marketing jargon, and the convenience of the freezer aisle, as the serving size grew. It's also true that when I was small, the rarity of witnessing a Hot-Pocket, an obese person, or a drug ad in the hood, was simply unheard of. We had yet to become full blown dietary fuck-ups. So today, when I get the server's spiel about "Small Plates", "Share Plates" or Some other Mom-inspired Farm-to-Table bull-shit at the local bar... I'm silently rolling my eyes, and clenching my teeth, whilst you explain to me yet again how "this place" does it. Perhaps a reaction to the big Joke which we all sympathetically give a courtesy wave and laugh to. We know the server will get 25% of whatever horror they put us through, and we also know that the Owner's Mom never cooked a great meal for them. But we go along with the charade.  Share Plate!  $29.75 No... The Comfort-food which the food-service companies delivered to your bar in sous-vide bags, and fryer ready portion packs is actually the same TV dinner you scorched your mouth on in your youth. It's also the same "Food" as Taco Bell heaps upon a cold pastie. But it's "Gastro" Taco Bell, or in essence Chipotle with a full sleeve and a pierced tongue.
The difference was; that the smart marketers of the fledgling frozen food Aisle c. 1978 knew the only vegetable which would be scooped from foil tray into the mouth was: gravy laden Mashed-Potatoes, or Sweet-Corn. Any attempt to dollop something green in the top left compartment would have been met with disdain. The same disdain your Server with the clever gender ambivalence is so quick to explain. Think of our menu as a test to spring you from this internment camp cum gastro-pub. Is it any wonder that now the Gastro-Pub seeks to explain just how and when Small-Plates will rape your dinner party tonight: 1. You will be charged 10-12% for the Server's Quality of life tax. 2. You will be shown a tablet at the table where the tip starts at 25% on top of the tax. 3. Your food will be delivered how and when the "Kitchen" sees fit, and you will deal with it. 4. You will be charged more for your drinks than your plates, unless you've ordered something with an "*MP", which will cost as much as you'd paid in rent during college. 5. Yes, You will be charged for bread -- But it is Artisanal. 6. You will love the Shared table experience, because it's new and edgy. 7. Just Shut up and order the fucking fried Brussel Sprouts, Beets, and Cauliflower openers to share, because we make most of our money on that shit, and the main plates basically suck. 8. Smile and "Like Us" on the socials, because we all dress cool and edgy, and DoNotGiveAFuck. Why bother with the whole song and dance about fair wage, plus ten percent added for Health-care? Why not just raise the fucking price on the menu, and let's just live with the delusion that dining out once was fun. In the New Normal quazi-1099 short-staffed revolution -- Remember to beg your server for more water without ice, and gently explain to them how to make a dry Martini, so as to not cause them a bad emotion... because all you will get if you are complicit is a giant clever Ice cube which could sink a ship, spritzed with L'Eau de toilette bitters and an 'Old Fashion' disdainful glare. ...Maybe Just stay in tonight?
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  The Future needs you to understand a few things
The Future will be challenging The Future will have no pretty people in it The Future will not have chicken on the menu The Future will acquit, and bring new charges The Future will have exactly two safe spaces The Future will not support carplay Some The Future avatars have legs The Future may contain tree nuts The Future will learn to wash its hands The Future prefers to walk The Future will smell like Fabuloso The Future will not feature the F150 Day The Future will learn to fill the dishwasher correctly The Future will ban many books The Future will respect women The Future is known in the state of CA to cause cancer The Future will not charge extra for hot sauce The Future will impose a watering ban Trump The Future may cause nausea diarrhea & vomiting The Future will resent its parents The Future will outlaw crime The Future is not a vegan The Future will open photos on both Android and Apple The Future will only serve coffee black The Future will take public transit Will The Future rewards dissent The Future will have pollution The Future will floss regularly The Future will not serve Hazy IPA's The Future will reward the wrong ideas The Future will create opportunities for a select few The Future will not give a trophy for attending The Future asks that you silence your phone Be The Future was held-up in a ransomware attack The Future will shop for its own fucking groceries The Future will eat shellfish The Future will quash dissent The Future would prefer that you grow-the-fuck-up The Future is selfish The Future comes flat-packed The Future seems to repeat itself Indicted The Future does not add any gratuity The Future bags its own groceries The Future will make you understand The Future cares a lot about your feelings The Future is BYOB The Future owes you nothing The Future does not give a fuck about your feelings The Future carries narcan And The Future swings both ways The Future jails wishy washy people The Future is Coed The Future outlawed Catsup The Future watches futbol The Future serves ketchup The Future has no fraternities The Future outlawed plastic bottles The Future comes pre-chopped The Future will put the seat down A Few The Future provides mandatory swim lessons The Future makes its own fun The Future tires of your racism The Future plays games together The Future comes with significant risk of falling The Future does not want to see your pre-wedding photos The Future fears the past The Future will not work from home Years The Future will serve peanuts on airlines The Future will charge for sex The Future has no line at the DMV The Future requires assembly The Future is a perfect roommate The Future bears a ton of the responsibility The Future will not stand so close to me The Future rhymes with orange The Future carries liability insurance Later The Future is disappointed in you The Future rolls their own The Future contains saccharine The Future is served neat The Future knows what 'Small-Plates' means, thank you! The Future wants you to stop doing everything for your kids The Future saw what you did The Future believes in Santa, but not the Easter Bunny He'll The Future is full of opportunities The Future promotes from within The Future is dual voltage The Future is still stuck in traffic The Future outlawed decaf The Future is safe to walk in public The Future will wait its own fucking turn The Future is not unprecedented The Future is self-cleaning Be The Future wears stretch-pants The Future carries a few extra pounds The Future does not give a fuck The Future wants you to be happy The Future has room for improvement The Future celebrates honesty The Future is permanent press The Future censors idiots and fuck-tards The Future is much quieter Dead. |
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